Living Happily Ever After

Shortly after my marriage, my sister Karen asked me if marriage was hard work. She had been told that there was no such thing as happily ever after. As a newlywed, I couldn't have disagreed more. I had found my prince and was deliriously happy. Sharing my life was about as hard as playing Monopoly. One reason for this was that we were in a kind of hazy stupor known as "falling in love".

For the first year of our marriage, we never raised our voices, never said angry words and never disagreed for more than a minute. I thought marriage was the easiest thing ever and that our whole lives would be that way. Okay, okay--you can stop laughing now.

Since then, we have discovered--and invented!-- whole new reasons to fight and they are just the same as everybody else. Money, child rearing, division of work, how time is spent, which movies to watch, you name it! We have gone to bed angry, banished ourselves to the couch and given each other the silent treatment.

And we're still in love. Because we work at it. Marriage is work after all! Here are some things we do right.

1. We talk about our day.
We give each other sympathy for the hard battle fought that day and praise each other for a job well done. We share the funny stories and laugh at them later like an inside joke between best friends.
2. We hug.
Everybody needs a hug! Longs hugs reduce stress and help you feel loved. They may or may not be a gateway to something more exciting but they are always nice.
3. We say "I'm sorry".
Usually this involves some combination of hugs and talking about our day. It works. We stop being mad when we have empathy. Apologies help us feel less defensive. And anyway, we might be wrong.
4. We don't talk bad about one another in front of the kids.
This is huge. I'm not sure exactly what would happen if we did, but I, for one, would feel utterly betrayed and wounded. No matter how angry I am, I don't want the kids on my side. I'm a big girl and I can handle it. And nobody is doing that to my children.
5. We support one another's goals and dreams.
Let's face it--we wouldn't hang out with a friend who was always shooting down our ambitions or simply didn't care. We want them to show interest, maybe even help us out. The more I support my husband's dreams, the more he is willing to talk to me about them, and that is time spent together. Win-win.
6. We don't have secrets.
We don't hide anything from each other. For instance, we have a budget and try to stick to it, but if one of us blows it, we come out and tell the other.
7. We spend time apart.
He has his Smash Brothers and I have my girly movie parties. We both enjoy the things we like to do and have time to just be ourselves. This helps us appreciate one another more and be more giving. I already had my girly time so I'm OK watching a guy movie with him. He has his time so he's OK spending some doing what I like. Apart time enhances our together time.

Marriage is definitely work. But work can be happy. Ever after.