Six Questions People With Big Families Wish You Would Stop Asking

I have a big family. My sister has a big family. (Everybody in my family has a big family.) Guess what. We like it. Stop assuming that we don't and stop assuming that our parents were crazy. They were, but you can't just assume that everybody who wants kids is crazy. Chances are, they were perfectly sane until they became parents. And some people actually like their kids. Really. So quit all the shocked stares and sorrowful shaking of the head. And never, ever ask these cliche questions again.

1. So, You're Done, Right?

Are you done asking me about my romantic life and use of contraception? What are you, my doctor? Make like my mom's third baby and butt out.

2. Are You Crazy?

Probably. But maybe it's you. My siblings are hilarious. My children are hilarious. I happen to love to laugh so it's natural to want to fill up a room with highly entertaining people. If you don't want to, you might be crazy.

3. You Have Eleven Siblings? Did Your Parents Ever Do Anything Else?

After I get done cringing at your vulgarity, you should understand that under the right conditions, trying for babies once a year for twelve years can produce twelve children. I'm not saying that's what they did because, oh my! It's none of my business! And none of yours.

4. You Have Two Babies And You're Pregnant Again? Don't You Know What Causes That?

Um, no. Won't you please explain it to me? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I was there but it's just a bit fuzzy, ya know?  Hmmm. Interesting. Well, now that I know, I'll definitely make different choices, and all because you took a moment to ask impertinent questions. Thank you so much.

5. Was It Planned?

As a matter of fact, I want kids. Having kids close together so they can have a playmate? Totally on purpose. You know what wasn't planned? Having this conversation with you. I tried really hard to prevent it but, you know. Accidents will happen. If only there was a pill or something.

6. Don't You Care About Overpopulating the World?

No. Your reluctance to reproduce is more than adequate.

In all seriousness, the births in most developed countries are below the replacement rate. More people are growing old and dying than are being born, which is a real problem economically and strategically. Somebody has got to have children and teach them to be responsible, ethical citizens. You're welcome.

BONUS QUESTION

7. Don't You Need A Better Financial Situation Before Trying for Kids?

Don't you need to get the facts before you speak? By the way, I'm not going to tell you the facts. (They're none of your business.) So don't speak.

Questions You Should Ask

Can I get you some water?

Yes, thank you.

Would you like to sit down?

Sure thing.

When can we do a play date?

Friday at 2 pm.

Wanna hang out and watch a movie?

Yes! What movie?

Is there anything I can help you with?

I think I'm okay right now. Thanks for asking.

Are you excited?

I can't wait to hold him.

Are you just amazing?

Awww. Mostly, I think kids are amazing.

Are your parents strong and courageous?

They must be. They put up with me.

Are you ready for this?

Bring it on.

Are you having kids just to pass on your stunning good looks?

How did you know?

If you have five kids, you have a basketball team. Have a few more and you've got a full dugout. Whether you're into sports or want your own personal choir and stand-up comedy club, a big family will never leave you bored. (And they may never leave at all.)

In my family, two's company and three's a party. We smile, we laugh and joke. We say, "Do you remember?"  And we do remember. And we fall off our chairs sometimes. When I get together with my million best friends who I've known my whole life, I feel a closeness, a security that can't be replicated anywhere else. We have our fights, our disagreements and our times of sorrow, but this feeling of safety, of belonging is what keeps me coming back.

Sometimes people ask me if I would go back and change anything about my childhood. The answer is yes. I would change a lot of things. But not my siblings. I'm keeping them forever.