Jane Austen's Anger Management

In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth teaches us not to talk about people behind their backs, when she learns that she’s been mistaken about Darcy all along. Emma teaches us not to lash out at people for being silly, as she faces remorse for her treatment of Ms. Bates. Catherine Moreland of Northanger Abbey reminds us not to jump to conclusions, and in Persuasion, Anne Elliot regrets her hastily broken engagement, teaching us to be patient and give relationships a chance.

Jane Austen’s characters can teach us a lot about what not to do, and give us some practical, problem-solving advice. For both empathy and healthy boundaries, I give you...

Examples in Etiquette from the Books 

When you’re having a hard time or somebody ticks you off, it’s easy to feel justified in rudeness. Especially if you happen to be right this time. But don’t do it. Keep a cool head, remembering that “Angry people are not always wise,” as taught by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice.

We hope that all the meanies will confront their traumatic childhoods and seek professional counseling, but until they take that step, here are five important tips for dealing with the people who behave badly.

1      Keep Your Sense of Humor

 When Mr. Darcy insulted Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice) upon their first meeting, she had such fun laughing about it with her friends. Did she like it? No. Was he out of line? Of course. But mean people say the most unimaginably ridiculous things that you can't help but laugh at times. Indeed, in my years of customer service, the most insanely unreasonable people made the greatest stories. Without ever breaching confidentiality, we still have some good laughs over the crazies. Just remember, if you are mean, you expose yourself to ridicule.

2     Don’t Deal with Them at All

 Never seek the opportunity to be abused. Avoid jerks when you can and be brief when you must. Polite excuses are hard to find fault with. Remember that while Elizabeth disliked Darcy, she treated him with civility. It’s the “I think you’re psycho but I’m going to just smile and say ‘hello’ for a minute before I make a modest exit” approach.

If you’re mean to somebody, don’t be surprised if they give polite reasons not to hang out with you.

 Kill Them with Kindness

Mrs. Elton, in the book Emma, was always bragging, butting in, giving unsolicited advice and bossing people around. She took over other people’s parties and conversations, demanded to be the center of attention and made others bow to her schedule. Worse still, she became insulted when anyone opposed her. 

Her attitude bothered Emma so much that Emma decided to give a party for her. What’s the benefit? Emma kept herself unspotted from scandal by not openly decrying Mrs. Elton’s idiocy. Emma was so nice, that she elevated herself. Nobody could accuse her of being like Mrs. Elton. 

4    Confront the Problem

Both big and small problems should be confronted and discussed at the time they occur. Waiting on the little things makes your argument less potent and you just build up resentment that nobody knows about and sounds stupid when it’s finally brought to light. Speak up!

Waiting on the big issues might make you a villain. Abuse needs to be stopped. Austen fans will remember that Mr. Darcy confronted Wickham as soon as he learned of the creeper’s plans to seduce Darcy’s teenage sister,  and didn't wait around. When I found someone verbally abusing my kid, I stepped in to protect my son. Standing up for the innocent is of the greatest importance. Stand up for yourself too.

5     Try to Win Them Over

I would try this one for about one second if the person is very rude and maybe a month if they’re just misunderstood. I would try for a time, and then leave. Not having any other option, Fanny Price, the heroine of Mansfield Park, tried it for years and was eventually rewarded with the faith of her guardians and the love of Edmund. Since leaving was out of the question, she made the best of the situation, Cinderella style.

Most people can be won over, I think. It helps to pray for them. As Mr. Knightley told Emma, “The truest friend does not doubt, but hope.” All the people I’ve succeeded at befriending were brought to reason in a matter of days. The ones who “got away” may not be worth the effort.

I hope they are.

I hope for friendship everywhere I look. But that’s up to them. 

And now, some of my most humble opinions on Having Your Say...

Try to stay calm, and make sure it’s important. For instance, I once asked someone if she'd found a craft idea on Pinterest and she got annoyed and said so. I'm in agreement that Pinterest is super offensive and controversial. All those craft ideas, especially. What could I have been thinking? 

Anger makes everything seem important, but later on, it might just be petty.

How do you tell if your argument is valid? How will you know if the logic is winning or the anger?

Are your words insulting? Do you make personal remarks? Do you want to be right or to do the right thing? Are you intending to help? How would you feel if someone used the same arguments against you? What would Jesus do?

If your complaints are true and real, does that justify any kind of action? If so, how much and what kind?

For scope and my own amusement, here is a list of scenarios and appropriate responses.

• Your kid is annoying you.                            Give more hugs and attention, or take a break.
• Somebody  else's kid is annoying you.        Walk away or kindly ask the child to walk away.
• You're sick, tired or depressed.                    Avoid situations and people you can't handle.
• You have no patience left.                            Ask for help.
• You want to be in charge of everybody.      Not here, Hitler. Chill out. Get therapy.
• Someone was really mean to you.               Use your words, don't try to hurt them back.
• Somebody thinks you're acting weird.         You probably are. Relax and enjoy it. 
• The annoyances just won't stop!                   Take a time out. Ask for help.

When is it OK to use mean words? Never. 
When is it OK to hit someone? When they try to kill you. 
When is it OK to (yell) raise your voice?  Emergencies and sporting events. 

Afraid of confrontation? It is OK to write a letter. Just think it through over several days.  Just as Mr. Darcy later regretted his rude salutation, our letters, emails and posts may come back to haunt us. Documents last longer than spoken word, and can be reproduced by others long after you've forgotten your reason for writing. 

In almost every situation... 

This axiom from Disneys Bambi is true. "If you cant say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

For everything else...

Jesus, the Master of empathy and forgiveness, taught, “So in everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for this sums up the law and the prophets.”

And that sums up this blog.

Until next time, please remember not to elope without an income. 

XOXOXOXO

Abby