How to Make Miscarriage Suck LESS

I have had five  miscarriages. I've been pregnant seven times so that means I have a 71.4% failure rate. It sucks--It really does. And the more you have, the worse it sucks. (See my post.) There are times, especially in the first few weeks after a miscarriage, where nothing will help, at all, even a little bit, and you just have to endure, and pray, and get through one day at a time. However, while there may not be anything to make it better, there are a whole lot of things to make it worse and you can AVOID these. If it's too late to avoid the first two, you can still try the rest. Here's what you do.

1. Don't Tell Anyone You're Pregnant.

OK, you should tell your spouse and your doctor. Otherwise, Nobody. Not your mom, not your boss unless you absolutely have to. If you don't tell anyone you're pregnant you'll never have to tell them you miscarried. This way, you don't have to talk about your loss to anybody you don't want--and you can avoid hearing dumb questions over and over. Once you feel strong enough, you can tell select people that you've miscarried, and they can give you support.

2. Have Health Insurance

It really helps if you don't have to worry about medical expenses and it may even cover therapy, which I recommend.

3. Take A Break

You need a week or two off for grieving, to say nothing of physical healing. Work can wait. Get a letter from your doctor to make it official, then stay home and sleep in. You'll be crying, dizzy, unable to think straight, having no motivation and little physical strength, with occasional seething rage. (And the possibility of a bleeding mess.) Trust me. A sane boss doesn't want you there. Take your rest and do some things that you want. Continue for as long as it's helpful. See # 7.

4. Avoid the Person, Place or Activity That Is Most Painful

Pick one or two things that bother you most and feel free to skip them. Refuse to feel bad about it. My personal choice is baby showers. I avoid baby showers like bubonic plague and conjunctivitis. I also minimize my contact with chatty pregnant women. (You can probably think of a few. They don't mean any harm but they can't stop discussing pregnancy and it's seriously annoying.) There is no reason to exacerbate your difficult situation by forcing burdens on yourself. Once you feel ready, you can pick up where you left off.

5. Get Enough Sleep

Really. In the first few days, it may be the only relief you get emotionally. Don't stay up late. Sleep deprivation causes every kind of mischief. Plus, the physical and emotional stress you're experiencing places increased demands on your body. You'll need extra rest, perhaps for a long while. Give yourself a break and go to bed as soon as you want. Take naps. Sleep in sometimes, perhaps often. If anxiety or depression keeps you awake, sleep with lights on, have a good cry, do yoga before bed, turn on soft music or read a low-stress, spiritually uplifting book. Ask your doctor about sleep aids, natural and otherwise.

6. Keep Taking Those Vitamins

It may be hard for you to do anything for you, and it may seem pointless when there is no longer a baby to benefit from your self-care. Do it anyway. With or without a baby, your body now has to heal and transform itself to a non-pregnant state. It's almost as much work as growing a baby. You don't want to become deficient in vitamins and minerals--that makes everything worse. Keep taking them regularly. If you can't make yourself do it, ask a friend to remind you and make you accountable.

7. Make Yourself Get Out And Do Stuff

When you wake up in the morning and your body says "Get up" and you mind says, "What for?" that's normal. You do need to get up though. After your initial rest, staying in too much will not only lose it's usefulness but actually cause more depression and anxiety. It's time to get back in the world. You may hate everything you used to love and think nothing sounds fun, but chances are, it will end up being more fun than you thought. And it will help you, little by little, to get out of the rut. For me, having a (flexible, non-demanding) job was the best thing. It forced me to get dressed, to comb my hair and to focus on something other than my misery for a few hours.

8. Exercise!

Relieve stress and occupy your thoughts with something you CAN control. Exercise does it all. I have had great results from hiking every week. Think about it. You've climbed a mountain! You've accomplished something difficult. You're getting fresh air, sunshine, exercise and a change of scene all in one. You'll have positive memories to look back on. And, if you're feeling fat or slobbish, a workout helps with that too.

9. Try Not to Think Too Much

Make time for physical activities. Thoughts and feelings are important, but don't make negative thoughts the center of your life. Get things done. Work with your hands. Try something new. Don't get caught in the guilt-building nightmare of "I should have," "I wish" or "If only." Instead try, "This is the situation. This is how I feel about it." Allow your feelings. Process them when it helps and distract yourself when it doesn't.

10. Don't Go Back

You'll need time to grieve and cry. Give yourself this time. It's a process that may take years. However, once you've got past the most painful time, (probably several months,) don't keep going back. Dwelling on the pain long-term will not help you. Instead, try to focus on the positive as much as you can.

Things will get better. There is always hope.

There is one more thing that really helped me. I tried to think of what purpose God might have for me and why I kept having miscarriages.

I found one; so personal, so wonderful. And I received a special witness that my children are real, mine, and they love me. My Leif, Jenna, Alice, William and David. I do have seven children after all. And despite all naysayers and advice to the contrary, I do not believe that I'm done. God has a purpose and I will not fight it anymore. His way is always the best way.

I believe He really will wipe away all our tears. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"-Psalm 30:5

Jane Austen's Anger Management

In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth teaches us not to talk about people behind their backs, when she learns that she’s been mistaken about Darcy all along. Emma teaches us not to lash out at people for being silly, as she faces remorse for her treatment of Ms. Bates. Catherine Moreland of Northanger Abbey reminds us not to jump to conclusions, and in Persuasion, Anne Elliot regrets her hastily broken engagement, teaching us to be patient and give relationships a chance.

Jane Austen’s characters can teach us a lot about what not to do, and give us some practical, problem-solving advice. For both empathy and healthy boundaries, I give you...

Examples in Etiquette from the Books 

When you’re having a hard time or somebody ticks you off, it’s easy to feel justified in rudeness. Especially if you happen to be right this time. But don’t do it. Keep a cool head, remembering that “Angry people are not always wise,” as taught by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice.

We hope that all the meanies will confront their traumatic childhoods and seek professional counseling, but until they take that step, here are five important tips for dealing with the people who behave badly.

1      Keep Your Sense of Humor

 When Mr. Darcy insulted Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice) upon their first meeting, she had such fun laughing about it with her friends. Did she like it? No. Was he out of line? Of course. But mean people say the most unimaginably ridiculous things that you can't help but laugh at times. Indeed, in my years of customer service, the most insanely unreasonable people made the greatest stories. Without ever breaching confidentiality, we still have some good laughs over the crazies. Just remember, if you are mean, you expose yourself to ridicule.

2     Don’t Deal with Them at All

 Never seek the opportunity to be abused. Avoid jerks when you can and be brief when you must. Polite excuses are hard to find fault with. Remember that while Elizabeth disliked Darcy, she treated him with civility. It’s the “I think you’re psycho but I’m going to just smile and say ‘hello’ for a minute before I make a modest exit” approach.

If you’re mean to somebody, don’t be surprised if they give polite reasons not to hang out with you.

 Kill Them with Kindness

Mrs. Elton, in the book Emma, was always bragging, butting in, giving unsolicited advice and bossing people around. She took over other people’s parties and conversations, demanded to be the center of attention and made others bow to her schedule. Worse still, she became insulted when anyone opposed her. 

Her attitude bothered Emma so much that Emma decided to give a party for her. What’s the benefit? Emma kept herself unspotted from scandal by not openly decrying Mrs. Elton’s idiocy. Emma was so nice, that she elevated herself. Nobody could accuse her of being like Mrs. Elton. 

4    Confront the Problem

Both big and small problems should be confronted and discussed at the time they occur. Waiting on the little things makes your argument less potent and you just build up resentment that nobody knows about and sounds stupid when it’s finally brought to light. Speak up!

Waiting on the big issues might make you a villain. Abuse needs to be stopped. Austen fans will remember that Mr. Darcy confronted Wickham as soon as he learned of the creeper’s plans to seduce Darcy’s teenage sister,  and didn't wait around. When I found someone verbally abusing my kid, I stepped in to protect my son. Standing up for the innocent is of the greatest importance. Stand up for yourself too.

5     Try to Win Them Over

I would try this one for about one second if the person is very rude and maybe a month if they’re just misunderstood. I would try for a time, and then leave. Not having any other option, Fanny Price, the heroine of Mansfield Park, tried it for years and was eventually rewarded with the faith of her guardians and the love of Edmund. Since leaving was out of the question, she made the best of the situation, Cinderella style.

Most people can be won over, I think. It helps to pray for them. As Mr. Knightley told Emma, “The truest friend does not doubt, but hope.” All the people I’ve succeeded at befriending were brought to reason in a matter of days. The ones who “got away” may not be worth the effort.

I hope they are.

I hope for friendship everywhere I look. But that’s up to them. 

And now, some of my most humble opinions on Having Your Say...

Try to stay calm, and make sure it’s important. For instance, I once asked someone if she'd found a craft idea on Pinterest and she got annoyed and said so. I'm in agreement that Pinterest is super offensive and controversial. All those craft ideas, especially. What could I have been thinking? 

Anger makes everything seem important, but later on, it might just be petty.

How do you tell if your argument is valid? How will you know if the logic is winning or the anger?

Are your words insulting? Do you make personal remarks? Do you want to be right or to do the right thing? Are you intending to help? How would you feel if someone used the same arguments against you? What would Jesus do?

If your complaints are true and real, does that justify any kind of action? If so, how much and what kind?

For scope and my own amusement, here is a list of scenarios and appropriate responses.

• Your kid is annoying you.                            Give more hugs and attention, or take a break.
• Somebody  else's kid is annoying you.        Walk away or kindly ask the child to walk away.
• You're sick, tired or depressed.                    Avoid situations and people you can't handle.
• You have no patience left.                            Ask for help.
• You want to be in charge of everybody.      Not here, Hitler. Chill out. Get therapy.
• Someone was really mean to you.               Use your words, don't try to hurt them back.
• Somebody thinks you're acting weird.         You probably are. Relax and enjoy it. 
• The annoyances just won't stop!                   Take a time out. Ask for help.

When is it OK to use mean words? Never. 
When is it OK to hit someone? When they try to kill you. 
When is it OK to (yell) raise your voice?  Emergencies and sporting events. 

Afraid of confrontation? It is OK to write a letter. Just think it through over several days.  Just as Mr. Darcy later regretted his rude salutation, our letters, emails and posts may come back to haunt us. Documents last longer than spoken word, and can be reproduced by others long after you've forgotten your reason for writing. 

In almost every situation... 

This axiom from Disneys Bambi is true. "If you cant say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

For everything else...

Jesus, the Master of empathy and forgiveness, taught, “So in everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for this sums up the law and the prophets.”

And that sums up this blog.

Until next time, please remember not to elope without an income. 

XOXOXOXO

Abby