Why Miscarriage Sucks

Just about a year ago, I had my third miscarriage in a row.* I know that many women have had more than I have. I won't say that my situation or my sorrow are worse than anyone else's. I won't say they're better either. Frankly, it sucks any way you look at it. Ladies and gentleman, can we agree? Miscarriage sucks! And I could use a lot of other words in regards to it but I won't. If you've had one or more miscarriages, you will understand all that I say and more. If you've never had one, please allow me to tell you. You'll be able to show empathy for others. You might learn what not to do. Here we go.

How You Feel

As soon as you find out you're miscarrying, you are no longer pregnant. You'll still feel sick, you still get emotional for no reason, you're still exhausted and you're still fat. (Except, now you'll lose blood and get sicker and more tired and actually have a reason to be emotional.) It's like being pregnant but you're not. You will get all kinds of contractions, similar to labor, and have absolutely nothing to show for it. (You'll actually give birth to a baby, only it'll be dead.) People will ask you how your pregnancy is going and you'll have to decide if it's more painful to tell them you miscarried or to endure their congratulations and personal stories. See my post on coping strategies.

If you find out at a routine doctor visit, he/she may recommend that you wait for a natural miscarriage to occur. You're not pregnant but you haven't miscarried. You're somewhere in between and you get to explain it to... way too many people. Again and again while you wait to miscarry. Or you can get a D&C under general anesthesia. You skip the in-between bit and the doctor uses suction to remove "products of conception".  Miscarriage sucks, literally. (You can also stay awake for the procedure, but if there's a way to make the whole process suck worse, this is it.)


You might feel like you've wasted other people's time. All the friends who brought you juice or a meal because you were feeling sick didn't need to bother after all. You might feel the unfairness of all the fun things you skipped while you felt ill or were busy being careful--and for what? You might as well have taken that cruise or hiking trip to Ireland because then you'd have something happy to look back on. 

You might feel the unfairness of all the sweet babies who were born, only, not to you.

Telling People You Miscarried

While you're UN-announcing the birth of your darling, sweet baby who you've been dreaming about and planning for with the happiest and tenderest thoughts, people might say stupid things to you. Stupid like, "You'll have another baby." (If that reduced pain, people who lost their beloved spouses would feel no regret because they could always marry again.) Stupid like, "You still have your other children." (Yes, I know. So, if one of your friends dies, you're not gonna feel sad because you still have other friends, right?) Stupid like, "You should try not to get so emotionally involved." (What? With my baby? Hellooo! That's not a thing!) Stupid like, "So-and-so's miscarriage was worse." (Are you saying that she loved her baby more that I love mine? Do you know that's a ridiculous position to take?) Or stupid like, "So you had a miscarriage. You don't need to get jealous of people with babies." (Clearly, you have never had a miscarriage.) Or, stupidest of all, "You should stop trying." (That's so worthless that I can't even address it right now.)

With all that discouragement, you might prefer to push people away rather than asking for support. You might even develop a seething rage. It's a good thing some people listen better than they talk. Not everyone will say something dumb. And some people really do understand. You'll know because they help instead of hurt.

Grief And Healing

The first three days are the hardest, and filled with inner conflict. You struggle to comprehend the reality of your situation, without wanting to. You fight through numbness, or embrace it because it beats the pain. You don't want anyone around. You do want some company. You don't want pity. You need some sympathy. You don't want to talk about it. You wish someone would listen.  You feel angry at people for not taking away the pain. You know that they can't. You feel guilty for wanting the pain gone. You feel like you're drowning in sorrow. You don't want to ask for help. What would help anyway? You wish people would understand what you want. You don't know what you want. Yes, you do. You want your baby back. It's a nightmare. You sleep with the light on.


After two weeks, it has noticeably gotten easier. It is by no means easy. You appreciate the help your friends and family give you. Flowers cheer you a little, and you cling to any bit of cheer you can get because you are tired of being sad. You pack your day full of activities, without knowing if you enjoy them. Distracting yourself helps you get through but doesn't help you heal. Eventually, you have to face the pain as you look down at the place where your baby used to be and say, "I really wanted you." Crying actually helps. A lot. Therapy is useful for "getting it out."

A month or so later, everyone seems to have forgotten about it and gone back to their lives. You feel very alone because you're still in pain but don't want to ruin somebody's day by talking about it. People have stopped asking how you are and how they can help. You take the hint and if anyone does happen to casually ask how you are, you say that you're fine. You are a liar. You don't feel fine at all. You just think nobody cares. Not surprisingly, you feel depressed. The hormones don't help.

This is when you really need a support group. This is when you not only feel strong enough to hear others' stories, but need to share your own.

What To Do About It

1. Give yourself time.

 Your feelings are normal. Express your feelings, don't hold them in.You can write it down in a "therapy journal", as my sister the counselor told me. It helps. (Seriously. It's just a private notebook where you write down whatever you feel, without judging yourself for feeling it. Once you're done, you get do decide if your thoughts are really true. If they are, you keep them. If they're not, you replace them with true thoughts. You can do this as often as you like.) You can join an online forum or support group.  You can comment on this blog. I have personally found therapy to be very helpful.

2. Do it.

 Ruin somebody's day. Actually, that's a myth. Your loss can't ruin anybody's day because no one will feel it the same way you do. But they still care.

This line shows how it works.

                                 feeling my pain------------------------------------- not caring

All your friends (and even some strangers,) who know about your experience are going to care. Nobody is going to be anywhere close to not caring. They only show it differently.
     
                                feeling my pain-----------^------------------------- not caring

All your friends are already feeling some of your pain because they love you and they have empathy. Talking to them about it will not cause them to feel more pain. It will allow them to release it by helping you heal. When you feel better, they feel relieved. So go to your nicest friends, the ones best able to help you heal, and talk to them. They might be afraid of making it worse. So tell them what you really need. A listener. A cook. A hug. Somebody to make you laugh really hard. Maybe advice. And if someone gives you advice that's not helpful, TELL them why it's not helpful.

3.Create A Memorial

 I know the feeling of holding onto the pain of loss, because the pain is all you have left of your baby. I learned that it doesn't have to be that way. Writing letters to each one of my babies helped me feel that they were not lost. Or maybe, that I was not lost. Creating a memorial helps you let go. Choosing to remember the good on purpose helps you release the bad. You might write down your feelings about your baby and put it into a special box with ultrasound photos, baby shoes or whatever you wish. You can make a book, light a candle, or write letters to your little one. Any way you choose to celebrate your baby will help you feel less disconnected. There is no time limit. You can start anytime and continue as long or as many times as you wish.

15 Ways To Help A Grieving Parent

1. Spend time with them. They'll talk if they want to.
2. Don't lecture, analyze or give advice unless they ask. 
3. Give gifts
              A. To help with a memorial: A candle, personalized home decor item, a book,or card
              B. Or to just cheer them up: Flowers, a massage, a getaway for two they can use when they want, organic chocolate, fresh fruit, night on the town.
4. Give hugs often.
5. Don't talk about baby shopping, new babies, pregnancy or death unless they bring it up.
6. Don't assume that because they already have children that their pain is somehow less. It's not.
7. Take walks with them. Exercise helps release stress.
8. DO NOT get angry at them for the way they grieve. Everyone grieves differently.
9. PLEASE offer to clean their house and then follow through.
10. Take them out to their favorite restaurant or a botanical garden. Get them out of the house.
11. Offer to babysit. If they say no, offer again in a couple weeks.
12. Be a good listener.
13. Be available.
14. Don't assume they will "get over it" quickly. Grief is a process and can take decades.
15. Be supportive.

We Can Do This

I have good days and bad days. It's not over yet but I know my limits. I won't go to baby showers. I won't watch Up, Marley And Me or any other movie that portrays  miscarriage. I will give baby gifts, hugs and lots of sympathy to anyone who needs it. We can all get through this, especially if we stick together. Believe it. Know it. This isn't over yet. Great times are still coming. And right now great times sound a lot like a Jacuzzi tub and a really good hamburger. Ladies and gentlemen, can we agree? Jacuzzi tubs are awesome! And hamburgers. I am so getting one now.


Edit: A brand-new book about finding hope is coming out February 10, 2015. It is called Little Boy Blue: Finding Hope After Miscarriage. You can read my story and 14 others about grief, healing and finding the light. Proceeds go to charity. Here is the link. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00S3IZGM8

*Edit:  May 2016, I've now had 6 miscarriages.

Babysitting Requests. What's Appropriate?

There's no denying, parenting is hard and that's why we need to help each other out. Free babysitting is a gift, a miracle even, but we don't want to use it all up. Here's a set of guidelines to help us give and receive the gift of babysitting. To everyone who has ever helped me out, THANK YOU!

Rules
Give as much notice as you can.
The sitter may say no, without explanation.
Make the sitter's job as easy as possible.
Establish when, where and how long.
Discuss diet and discipline.
Send any needed accessories.
Tell the sitter in advance if your child is sick.
Come back on time.
Frequent requests should come with benefits. Trading babysitting or cash payment is fine.


Q&A

1. What is the appropriate time frame?  It's all about how much energy I have and making it last. For infants, two hours max, unless I've tended your baby before I think I can do longer. Toddlers, three hours. The older the child, the longer the time. If I'm watching more than one child, time decreases.

2. Will you babysit over night? If your child will go to bed and actually sleep, yes. If I have to bounce your child all night, then no. I do make exceptions for emergencies.

3. Will I feed your child? Sure, if he's not too picky. If he only eats certain foods, has allergies or visits frequently, send food with him.

4. Will I administer medicine? No. If medicine is necessary, please medicate your child before you leave.

5. Will I spank your child? No. I will do a time-out. If many time-outs are needed, I will probably not want to babysit often.

6. What qualifies as an emergency? If you or a close family member is in the hospital or passes away, that would be an emergency. If you get called into work suddenly, that would be less of an emergency. If you get arrested, that's an emergency but you should call your mother and not me. :) If you want to go shopping, it's not an emergency.

7. What will you expect of my child? I expect that your child will share reasonably well, not hit anyone or break anything on purpose, help with cleanup, and in general, do as he/she is asked.

8. Will you drop what you are doing to help me out? I will if it is an emergency. Otherwise, no.


Once again, thank you to all my kind peeps who have stepped up for me. And thank you to all my good friends who make it easy to say yes when you ask for help. You know who you are.

Pulling Pranks for Christmas

My husband and I have been together for eight Christmases and we have started some pretty cool Christmas traditions. We like to do a nativity,  see Christmas lights, play our instruments, cook something new and put all the decorations away as soon as possible. (The longer they're out, the shabbier they get.) We also pull pranks on my in-laws nearly every year and is it ever fun! You'd think they'd un-invite us by now, huh? They must secretly like it.

Bananas for Mistletoe

Living room nativity

Some people play tricks on April Fools but not us. We do December Fools. That doesn't mean vandalizing nativities. It just means fun. The first year, nobody saw it coming. Not even us. It was a moment of spontaneous inspiration when we sent a company of green army men to attack the Christmas village. The next year, Barbie dolls joined the nativity set, with teacups. Three years in and we were running out of ideas so we stuffed a pair of my hubby's jeans and built the dummy. We put him on the living room couch and covered him with a blanket. All that night and all the next morning, people were tip-toeing around and wondering who could be sleeping in their house. It was brilliant. Best prank ever.

Year four and we had no ideas and did nothing. That was sort of a prank since they were expecting one. Year five, the Grinch came to pilfer, plunder and purloin, but got caught in a Grinch trap and had to hang out there until morning. We have bubble-wrapped their bathroom, hung bananas where the mistletoe should be and hidden a cardboard Jedi in the shower. (We wished we'd had a creepy mannequin.)

In order to continue this glorious tradition, we have to have some rules.

Rules for pranking.

   1. No damage.
   2. No injury.
   3. No feud.

The "no feud" part means we avoid causing anger and this ensures we get to come back next year and do it again. The point is just to make them laugh and we have a good time. We don't want to embarrass anyone break anything.

This year, we decided on a gag gift. My mother-in-law loves snowmen so we gave her Frosty in a box. Here are his affects. And arms.

Unfortunately, he didn't make it. We tried to "preserve" his memory but couldn't find the canning kit.

A reindeer ate part of his nose. :(  We wrote him an epitaph, explaining how he died saving Grandma from being run over by a reindeer. That must be why she loves snowmen so much.

It was a sad day for Frosty, but a happy one for us (he did promise to "come back again someday").

 Seven years married, six Christmas pranks so far. Let's hope there are many more to come. What are some pranks you have done? I need some good ideas.

All-Male Priesthood Is Unfair... To Males

There was a time when I wanted the Priesthood. It wasn't when I first converted, since I didn't even know what it could do for me. It wasn't when my husband's service in the bishopric kept him at church for seven hours every Sunday and for several hours throughout the week. (The rest of us went home for dinner and lunch and he was stuck there with trail mix.) It sure wasn't while I was pregnant. (Hey! I have enough to deal with right now!) Attending church and temple ceremonies posed a challenge since they required sitting, standing and maybe kneeling and all I wanted to do was lie down. I had trouble just receiving Priesthood ordinances, to say nothing of administering them.

My wanting the Priesthood had nothing to do with feeling like my job wasn't important enough (I am a mother!) or hard enough. (I am a mother!) It had everything to do with fairness, for my husband. When I first converted, I lived in a house with two non-member men. (Relatives.) No Priesthood in the home. And I didn't mind at first. As I became acquainted with the Priesthood power, I began to wish to have the blessings more often. Living in a home without Priesthood is like living in a house with no kitchen. If you want a meal, you have to go out and get it, or arrange to have it brought to you.

When I married my super amazing husband, it was like having a professional-grade kitchen that was always open, with a five-star chef on staff. I could have a blessing any time I wanted or needed one. After my third miscarriage it was, "I miss our baby so much and my heart is breaking. Please, help me." And he gave me a blessing that comforted and healed me. When he couldn't find work it was, "I can't sleep because I feel so anxious and feel that Heavenly Father has forgotten me. Will you give me a blessing?" And he gave a wonderful blessing that brought me peace. He told me my Heavenly Father was mindful of me and gave me counsel for some struggles that I had never mentioned to anyone. I knew my Father had not forgotten me and would surely keep all his promises.

There is no question that I am the number one beneficiary of my husband's priesthood, but what about him? He lost his babies too and his heart was breaking. He was the one out of work and constantly under pressure to support our family. Where is his blessing? I don't know. Call the neighbors. For him, the kitchen is closed. Sounds cruel, doesn't it? My feelings about this situation can be understood by my relating the following story.

When my love and I were first married, my husband's brother was serving a mission in Texas and experiencing some serious challenges. This troubled my husband greatly because he and his brother were close. My husband wanted so badly to help his little brother and could do nothing.The feeling of helplessness frustrated and discouraged him. I saw my husband's grief and wished I could offer him a blessing. But I couldn't. He was unable to help his brother and I was unable to help him, and we both sat down and cried.

You could argue that there are other ways to help my husband, but it's still unfair. It's just as unfair as fathers not feeling labor pains during childbirth. You could argue that there are other ways my husband can help during labor, but come on! Why is all the discomfort on me? It's his baby too. Unfair? Maybe not. We each have a journey we have to take. Sometimes we have to see others in pain, knowing that we can't take it away-- we are not Jesus Christ. But I can help my husband  through his pain, and he can help me through mine. We can all help each other by doing what we can do.

For instance, I can't give my husband a blessing, but I can call someone for him. It turns out to be a matter of convenience. Yes, he had to wait fifteen extra minutes before getting his blessing, but he still got it. There are other perks too. My love got to receive a blessing from his friend, and that strengthened their friendship. Since they are both dads, they can relate to each other, in many ways better than I can.

My hubby needs my love and support; he needs the respect and approval of his woman. I don't need the priesthood to give him that. I know that my husband loves me. I don't need to be the ONLY ONE who can help him be happy. I am just glad that he is. We help each other along, and that is fair.

Should I Become A Nurse Aide/CNA? What Does A CNA Do?

In my whole life, I never thought of being a nurse's aide. And I was one all along, without knowing it. Compassion for the sick and infirm comes naturally to me, and thanks to my mother, I received early training in bed making, dish washing, laundry, trash removal and food preparation. She also instilled in me a healthy respect for hand washing. Babysitting gave me experience in bathing, dressing, changing, toileting and feeding other people.

However, it was not until recently that I really considered a medical profession. I had worked in business administration and liked it, and there was no reason to switch careers. Yet, that is exactly what I did, never really knowing why. Until now. I am a caregiver, always have been and always will be. I like people and care about them. When people are in pain, I instinctively want to help them.

Not everyone has the same reasons for giving care. Sandi, a fellow student in my CNA course, told me, "I want to take care of the elderly so I can stop being so self-centered." (She also told me she was a Playboy Bunny in 1962. We looked her up and it's true. It should be noted that Playboy back in the day was not the same as now.) Sandi doesn't think of herself as elderly and she's right about giving care; it helps you be less self centered.

If you're still not sure medical work is for you, CNA training is a good way to find out. For many, it's a stepping stone to nursing or medical school.

How to Get Trained
Tech colleges are way expensive and take a long time. Instead, search for a class under $500. High school courses are the least expensive. You can also get hired by a nursing home, assisted living facility or home-care agency before becoming certified. Often, your employer will pay for your class and certification.

Of course, there are downsides. Here is a Top-Ten list of how nurse aide work has encroached on my life.
1. I have a glove-wearing habit. I think I have to wear gloves to wash MY dishes and empty MY trash.
2. I knock before entering my own room--- and there's nobody in there!
3. My work rubs off on my personal life in weird ways, such as, changing the way I bathe myself. Soon I'll be mitering my sheets.
4. I monitor myself for pressure sores.
5. I can recognize certain odors anywhere. If you are smoking weed, I will know.
6. Bare skin is nothing at all. It is not attractive. I will just report any abnormalities. That is not an invitation to streak.
7. "Bed, Bath & Beyond" just refers to hygiene.
8. I think I should be paid to make my own (occupied) bed.

Okay, so that's only Top Eight! Still true.

In all seriousness, CNA work is some of the hardest I have ever done. You have to be physically strong and it is emotional work. A friend of mine quit after a patient died in her arms. It was too much.

Our job is to help people, even if they are grumpy, difficult, evil in their past lives or making sexual advances toward us. If they hit, we don't hit back. If they hate us, we still like them.
The difficulties of the job help explain why there is a shortage or workers in this field. (This makes it really easy to get hired!) So many people can't take it and quit. When I look at the ones who stay, I notice that there is something special about them.

Just yesterday I met a woman who had been a CNA for years and loved her work. When her physical condition prevented her from continuing, she changed her vocation and started giving manicures... to the elderly and disabled. Another woman told me her nurse aide job was more of a hobby. It's not about the money. If it were, everyone would quit because no pay would be enough. They love the people. They feel the satisfaction of helping others and can't quit. They're satisfaction junkies.

Giving great care makes you feel like a superhero. When you know you've done a great job and made someone's life better, you are on top of the world. That feeling makes the work worthwhile.

If you like people, have a desire to help others, or want to do something that really matters, try being a nurse assistant. You'll get used to the hard stuff, but the joy of serving never gets old.

6 Good Reasons Parents Are Cooler Than Santa

Now, to start off, I don't hate Santa Claus. (Even though he never brought me anything. Humph.) My parents didn't really do Christmas (Shocking, I know!) so Santa and I never had much opportunity to get acquainted. I like the idea of a generous figure setting a good example at Christmastime. What I do not like, is when kids have more respect for Santa Clause than they do for their own parents.  I'm talking about the good parents, the ones who are trying their best, and working their butts off for their kids.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I think mothers and fathers are the best example of generosity the world has ever seen, short of Jesus Christ. Santa Claus may be the giver of cool stuff to a small percentage to the world that celebrates Christmas (and many of those watch for the Three Wise Men instead) BUT parents are way cool, the world over, ALL YEAR LONG. To be clear, the rankings are, 1.) Jesus Christ; 2.) Parents; 43.) Father Christmas. In case we forget, here's a list. Check it twice.

Parents are awesomer (my toddler's word) than Santa because...

1. Santa only shows up once a year

 And then, only when you're sleeping. That's pretty much neglect. And it's creepy. What kind of person only comes to see you when you're asleep? You can argue that he craves anonymity but if that's true, why is he in every shopping mall? Creepy, I tell you.  If parents followed Santa's pattern, they would be the worst parents ever.

2. Santa is a fair-weather friend. 

He's only around during happy times. One happy time, actually. In contrast, parents are there all year and not just for the happy times. They are there for the nasty vaccinations--and the actual diseases! They clean up vomit in the middle of the night, deal with teething, drooling, temper tantrums and teenagers. They hold you when you've had a bad dream. They sing you to sleep. They teach you how to live. Santa does none of that.

3. Santa is cheap.

 He only brings presents once a year. Parents, on the other hand, are continually giving. They pay your rent, your school fees, help fix your car when it's broken and sign you up for soccer. They feed you and pay your doctor, even if you haven't been "good all year." Parents are definitely the most generous.

4. Santa stays up all night once a year, while parents do that all the time. 

Graveyard shift is a tired reality for many parents other than myself and it is every night for some. If parents are lucky enough to be in bed after midnight, there are plenty of things to pull them out again. Illness, school projects left until the last minute, and asking you where you've been and  with whom all cut into parental sleep time. Nightmares and night terrors are a challenge all their own. Parents are the real heroes here.

5. Santa makes you wait in line to see him, and then he talks to you for only a moment.

 Parents are available virtually any time you need them and they will have a real conversation with you. If something is bothering you, they will get to the  bottom of it. They will encourage you, teach you, laugh at your funny stories and cry with you when you're sad. They will listen and try to help. They will tell you they love you and mean it.

6. Santa puts himself on a pedestal and makes it all about him. 

Parents make it all about you. You are wonderful. You can be anything. And YOU better change your attitude right now. Parents will put your needs above their own. They will work crazy night hours so they can be with you during the day. They will help with homework that terrifies them more than they will admit. They will teach you to drive, of all horrors. And finally, they will let you go, even if it breaks their hearts.

Parents will always win, even if we never question the existence of Santa Claus.

Moms and dads everywhere, I salute you. You are making a better world. You deserve my respect. Bless you this Christmas and always. (And by that I mean, I hope the kids behave, that you get to sleep in, and that you have great auto insurance.) Merry Christmas!

Living Happily Ever After

Shortly after my marriage, my sister Karen asked me if marriage was hard work. She had been told that there was no such thing as happily ever after. As a newlywed, I couldn't have disagreed more. I had found my prince and was deliriously happy. Sharing my life was about as hard as playing Monopoly. One reason for this was that we were in a kind of hazy stupor known as "falling in love".

For the first year of our marriage, we never raised our voices, never said angry words and never disagreed for more than a minute. I thought marriage was the easiest thing ever and that our whole lives would be that way. Okay, okay--you can stop laughing now.

Since then, we have discovered--and invented!-- whole new reasons to fight and they are just the same as everybody else. Money, child rearing, division of work, how time is spent, which movies to watch, you name it! We have gone to bed angry, banished ourselves to the couch and given each other the silent treatment.

And we're still in love. Because we work at it. Marriage is work after all! Here are some things we do right.

1. We talk about our day.
We give each other sympathy for the hard battle fought that day and praise each other for a job well done. We share the funny stories and laugh at them later like an inside joke between best friends.
2. We hug.
Everybody needs a hug! Longs hugs reduce stress and help you feel loved. They may or may not be a gateway to something more exciting but they are always nice.
3. We say "I'm sorry".
Usually this involves some combination of hugs and talking about our day. It works. We stop being mad when we have empathy. Apologies help us feel less defensive. And anyway, we might be wrong.
4. We don't talk bad about one another in front of the kids.
This is huge. I'm not sure exactly what would happen if we did, but I, for one, would feel utterly betrayed and wounded. No matter how angry I am, I don't want the kids on my side. I'm a big girl and I can handle it. And nobody is doing that to my children.
5. We support one another's goals and dreams.
Let's face it--we wouldn't hang out with a friend who was always shooting down our ambitions or simply didn't care. We want them to show interest, maybe even help us out. The more I support my husband's dreams, the more he is willing to talk to me about them, and that is time spent together. Win-win.
6. We don't have secrets.
We don't hide anything from each other. For instance, we have a budget and try to stick to it, but if one of us blows it, we come out and tell the other.
7. We spend time apart.
He has his Smash Brothers and I have my girly movie parties. We both enjoy the things we like to do and have time to just be ourselves. This helps us appreciate one another more and be more giving. I already had my girly time so I'm OK watching a guy movie with him. He has his time so he's OK spending some doing what I like. Apart time enhances our together time.

Marriage is definitely work. But work can be happy. Ever after.