I Am a Struggling Parent, And Why That's Awesome

It took my by surprise. Blew my mind, actually. I was sitting in Relief Society (that's a meeting for women in my church,) and sharing what our family does for Family Home Evening, and the teacher (who I like) told me, in front of the whole class, that I was doing it wrong. There it was, my least favorite phrase: "Wait until they're teenagers."

Least Helpful Words Ever

I hate hearing this because there's either no hope for me or there seems to be a melancholy satisfaction in the speaker when they say it. They expect, quite triumphantly, that I won't do any better than they did. It's irritating, disheartening and unnecessary, but mostly it's false.

That's right, Their assumption is false because it is based on exactly that--assumption. They don't have a full picture of what goes on at home and cannot possibly know how my kids are going to turn out. I haven't the least wish to compare myself to others--as if anyone could do it accurately! Even if parenting were a contest, I wouldn't take my coaching from the spectators. My children, husband and God know best what I do right and wrong. They're in this with me, and they understand the context of my decisions.

"Wait until you have teenagers." The phrase is annoying. Being called out in front of the class was not my favorite. But the biggest problem here is the erroneous idea that there is only one right way to parent; only one right way to have family home evening; only one right way to raise kids who don't fall away. (I'll come back to this falling away thing.)

The Story

There I was, sitting with all these lovely Christian women as they shared personal insights. I shared too. I admitted that I struggle with planning our FHE ahead of time and I mentioned that we typically don't do a treat or activity. I said that we make it as easy and simple as possible, so we can make sure it happens.

Apparently, this is wrong. Because I said that I struggled, they assumed that I wasn't consistent, even though we have Family Home Evening every week. Because I said I struggled, they assumed I wasn't doing a good job. Because I said I struggled, they assumed I was failing and that my children wouldn't learn the gospel.

This is wrong. Assuming is inaccurate, and we need to deal with some definitions here.

What Struggle Is Not

Struggle does not mean inconsistent. Struggle does not mean poor quality. Struggle does not mean neglect. Struggle means it was HARD. That's it. And it is hard.

What Struggle Is

Planning ahead does not come naturally to me. I'm not great planner, but even I know that the lesson comes out better if I prepare even one hour in advance. Planning is a struggle. It does not mean I've given up. In fact, to struggle is the OPPOSITE of giving up. If you gave up, that would be the end of that struggle.

Irritated Rant

And who decided that Family Home Evening had to be done the same way every time and by every family? Who decided that it had to follow a set pattern without variation? I find that boring, unnecessary and impractical. We have only ONE unassailable rule for our parenting and our Family Home Evening: We do what works. What works in one family may not work in another. What works for us now may not work later. Our plans change based on our family's needs. I think this will work forever, because we only do what works.

What I Shared in Class

We keep it simple. Simplicity in parenting is a goal, not an unfortunate by-product of laziness. It's a struggle to make simplicity out of chaos, but it's important to our mental health. I'm busy and can think of no benefit of making myself and everyone else grumpy.

I shared that we don't do treats and activities most of the time. I never said it was an accident, that I didn't feel good about it or that I wanted it to change. Because I don't. We choose not to do a treat because we care about our health and the obesity epidemic. It is by design that we make treats the exception and not the rule. Additionally, sometimes it's a struggle, but I don't want to teach my kids that FHE is just for the treat. I wan't to teach them that we love our family and we love Jesus. We don't always do activities because we don't always have time. This is also a struggle---and why we need simplicity. It doesn't mean that we don't spend time together doing fun things as a family throughout the week. We do. And the lack of constant treats and activities doesn't mean that my kids don't enjoy our family night. They love it. (We cuddle for most of it.)

But, "Wait until you have teenagers." As if that means the kids will rebel and leave the church, and if they do, that means failure.

Practicable Priorities

I think we need to rediscover our priorities here. I'm placing a higher priority on the Who, What and Why, of family and gospel living, and less on the How, When and Where. My priority is not to have a "perfect" family night or a "perfect" family. My priority is not even that the kids won't leave the church. My priority is to love, teach, guide and help them have their own relationship with God. When they can feel God's love, when they know that He is real, when they can talk to Him and receive answers from Him as with a best friend, they will know what to do to be happy. They will do it because they want to. Or, they won't.

It's great to be organized, to plan and have a routine. It's wonderful if you can have an orderly, meeting where everything is planned and done right. However, if your priority is to have a perfectly executed Family Home Evening, you are placing your dependence on what other people will and will not do. This is even more true for kids falling away, or not falling away. If this is your priority, you may be disappointed.

The Illusion of Control

We don't have robot children. We have actual people and whatever their size, they resist being controlled. The older they get, the more they resist. This is partially why some parents dread having teens. There is not now and never will be a guarantee that our children will want the same things that we want or will do the same things that we do. They might, but it's up to them.

Parents have zero control over how their kids will turn out. They can teach, they can persuade, they can love and they can still fail, whatever their definition of failure is. On the other side of the coin, they can be abusive, cruel and neglectful and still have great kids who stay out of trouble and eventually, after much therapy, grow up to be happy, productive members of society. It's not common, but I've seen it happen. (I'm not advocating abuse here.) Generally speaking, the more you try to control, the less you are able to. Luckily for us as parents, we don't have to do the control thing.

Parents have healthy influence over their children's choices, inasmuch as their children want to please their parents. This comes without force and is a product of love and trust, similarly to how we want to serve Christ because of what He has done for us. "We love Him, because he first loved us." (John 4:19.)

I don't want my kids to get into trouble, and I hope they will find joy in the Church as I do. But I will not force them. Indeed, I can think of nothing more disastrous. The greatest gift of the gospel is the Atonement, which gives us our agency. We love agency. We, as humans crave it. I find that the truest part of parenting is that people will do what they choose, and they choose primarily what they want.

Influence And Logic

 My personal parenting philosophy is that kids should be taught as early as possible how to make good decisions on their own, which is one reason to hold a weekly Family Home Evening. I teach them about consequences so they can choose which consequences they want. They will struggle and it is good for them because they're learning self-control. (!!!) I hug my kids and tell them how great they are. I listen to their problems so that they know I'm their ally and not their enemy. Instead of blaming and punishing, we work on solving problems and learning from mistakes. We're flexible with Family Home Evening and other meetings and don't demand a rigid discipline on holding still or attentive listening. They're so young---and, let's face it, adults don't even hold perfectly still or listen all the time. We want them to like it, not be bored or nitpicked.

They do what I ask because they love me. Or, they do exactly as they please because they're human. If it's not irrevocable, I let it go. It's hard. It's a struggle but I trust them to find their way, and they're getting good practice. Will this guarantee that I have super docile teenagers? Probably not. I expect them to push back. I expect not to always enjoy it. But I also believe that they will turn out great and I tell them so. Basically, I follow my heart, and the Spirit.

And I actually love teenagers.

(I was a really nice teenager. Karma, you know.)

The Struggle Is Real

I am struggling though. Sticking to my decisions, following through with my plans, not throwing charity out the window on a stressful day, is difficult. Getting up each day and trying again, trying to better myself and realize my goals, trying to keep it all together and be there for my family, is exhausting. Trying to obey all the commandments and doing volunteer service, plus being patient in affliction and keeping my temper, is tough. Being patient with people when they make mistakes, trying to set a good example for others while not judging them or preaching at them, admitting when I am wrong, can be hard. Cooking three meals a day, while trying to stay on top of the laundry, dishes, pet care, errands, carpool, extracurricular activities, homework and still be willing to drop everything to listen to my son talk about how his day went, is a miracle.

Trying to be a sweet and accepting wife, and hardworking human being, and a clean, well-groomed, social and sane individual, while punctually balancing everything else I need to do, (read, budget,) is tricky. Fitting in a workout and a scripture study, is hard. Yes, I struggle, and that doesn't mean I'm failing. It means I'm a rockstar. It means I get up and do it again.  It means I'm a good mom. It means that nobody can do it better. I've got the Who,Why and What figured out. I will cut me some slack and the How, Where and When.