Do you still remember being pregnant? Was it fun or miserable? (Misery makes the best stories!) If you remember, want to remember or are preggo right now, you might enjoy these.
Top 10 Most Hilariously Annoying Things About Being Pregnant.
10. Pregnancy Brain
When you can't process simple instructions, can't remember what you were going to do next, or you forget what you were saying right in the middle of your sentence... you might have pregnancy brain. You can't understand the answer to your own question. "The Rubiks Cube works HOW again?" "Bleg. I can't process anything you're saying. Don't make me call tech support. Don't make me call tech support!"
9. Extra Paranoia
Cheers. Just for you. Movies you used to like now cause anxiety. People you used to like cause anxiety. Don't even think about watching the news or discussing politics. It's too much. Try not to argue with anyone. Those hormones make everything seem worse than it is and you'll end up saying things you'll regret.
8. Weird Dreams
When your boss shows up on a panel (in Cuba) of your least favorite relatives to discuss your messy house and bad hair, that qualifies as a nightmare. If your offspring is suddenly a tomato or kitten, that's definitely weird. When you dream of sleeping, you know you're tired. If your bad dream count goes from 0-1 per night up to 5-10, chalk that up to Extra Paranoia. Ooh! And if candy grows on trees, you're very lucky and should stay asleep a little longer.
7. Fatigue Beyond Any Reasonable Expectation
You spend most of your time lying down, or wishing you were. It wouldn't be so bad if you could sleep at night. Waking up hungry, walking to the bathroom, waking up thirsty, walking to the bathroom, waking up too hot, walking to the bathroom, and surviving one more weird dream all cut into precious sleep time. Lucky you could fall asleep at all, what with all that beautiful extra paranoia running through your pregnancy brain, and all those inexplicable aches and pains.
6. Morning And Any-Time-I'm-Awake Sickness
Some women don't ever get sick, have three-hour labors, and are super good looking. We will not, WILL NOT beat them up. They, after all, are missing out on all the fun. They don't know the joys of suddenly running from a room with one hand clapped over their mouth. The unspeakable power of one word to ruin your moment. The delight of needing food, of hating food, of finally thinking of a food that sounds remotely palatable, of changing your mind about your favorite food for the foreseeable future. Poor saps.
5. Strange Cravings
What is the weirdest thing you've craved? Pickles? Sushi? Seaweed? The special burrito that only your mom can make correctly and is strangely unavailable at three in the morning? With my oldest son, it was peaches and Chinese food. With my youngest, it was steak and fruit juice. Not together. Whatever it is, eat it fast before you don't want it anymore. See number 6.
4. Offensive Odors
Requiring your husband to shower and brush his teeth before kissing you is a bit extreme. Except, well... does he want a kiss or not?
Not everyone has this gift. (Lucky!) What a boon to walk into a room and ask, "Is someone painting?" only to find out that nobody knows what you're talking about. Nobody is painting, nobody ate garlic and there has been no dog food anywhere around in the last three days. Your superpower is too good. Too bad that doesn't help your appetite.Taking a walk, that turns into a run, might look like Godzilla has arrived, but no. Your neighbors are just having fried chicken for dinner. Abominable stuff.
3. Inexplicable Aches And Pains
My foot. My back. My head. My everything hurts.
Why????
I don't know. But, take a bath, get a massage and do some stretches. Drink plenty of water and try to lay off the junk food. Get some exercise. And remember hot packs and cold packs and body pillows and acetaminophen. Bless the inventors of these helpful contrivances.
2. The Shrinking Clothes
Sadly, these are not the magic clothes that make you shrink. They seem to shrink themselves from one day to the next. We knew there was a reason our favorite jeans feel so tight.
What is there left to wear when you're right in between regular and maternity? Compromise. Maternity pants and regular shirts. Or dresses every day. (But not those accursed pantyhose.) Or, my personal favorite, stay in your pajamas all day long. When that gets depressing, just buy a size up. These might fit you again after the baby comes and be good transitional clothes.
My Favorite Clothing Story
While I was 5 months along with my younger son, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. (Ha ha! Go special-order a dress that won't fit you by the time it's ready to wear.) It worked out, but only because I was lucky enough to find a dress off the rack, a few days before the occasion. It's not even maternity but it accommodated a seven-month belly, due to its gathered empire waist that fits every shape. I still wear it.
1. Unsolicited Advice from Strangers
What is the deal with all kinds of people walking up to you, assuming you're pregnant (what if you're just fat?) and asking a lot of questions? "When are you due? Boy or girl? Is it your first? No?" Noticeable disappointment. Your pregnancy is less the miracle somehow. But it's still everybody's business. "Let me give you some advice that you don't want and find a little disturbing, coupled with my own personal stories to bore and terrify you."
To be fair, it's not all bad. Sometimes people will just be nice and give you their seat, or bring you a cup of water, or let you cut in line to the bathroom. (One man stopped a bus for me because he thought I was on my way to the hospital! Ha ha!) They might give you extra French fries when you're hungry or reassure you that everything will most likely be fine. These are all useful and welcome.
And the advice and personal stories weren't really that bad. The first hundred times. But wow! Can we stop now? Can we stop after the next hundred? Is there an end in sight? One mistake I made was... the train. The whole crowd of passengers all simultaneously advising, arguing about which old wives tale is right. And the worst part? You can't walk away. (Probably this is worst-case scenario and easily avoided. To test this theory, go ride the public transportation with an obvious bump and see what happens. Report back here and best of luck to you.)
My Favorite Happy Memory
I loved feeling my boys move for the first time, and every time. Just knowing that they were okay and would soon make their debut into MY arms was the thrill of a lifetime. (I'll have to remember this when they become teenagers.) The love makes it all worth it, And yes, I would do it all again.
Okay, so there are a few things I would change. For instance, riding the train. Otherwise, not much. I love my boys. I wanted them, they're here, and I still like them. I will chalk this up to The Inexplicable Love of Children Who Wake You Up at Night and Whine During Daylight Hours. But, that's another blog.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Dear Non-Sustainers, I Don't Care
Apparently some people attended the LDS General Conference just to NOT sustain the church leaders. Do You Know what I think about that?
NOTHING.
Here's why.
The Prophet is still called of God.
I believe that Jesus Christ calls prophets today because He loves us. I believe that Thomas S. Monson is one of them, a duly authorized servant of God. If all the members worldwide simultaneously left the church and no one remained except the Prophet, that would not change his calling, office or authority. If we had created the office of the President of the Church, then we could remove him. Since God is the one who made the office and the person filling it, all authority and power can and do operate completely independent of the members' belief in it.
Freedom of Speech.
We the People are guaranteed freedom of expression by the same Constitutional Amendment that allows us freedom of press, worship and peaceful assembly (AKA, the Conference and the Ensign) and the right to petition the government for redress of grievances. People can make any statement they want. The dissenters in question weren't even disrespectful. All who opposed the appointment of the Church leaders were invited to manifest it. That's what they did. As far as I'm concerned, they can do it again and bring their friends. (More people on holy ground hearing a prophet's voice? For sure!) Other people's choice in religious beliefs is nothing to get mad about. They can worship. They can sustain. They can protest. Lest we forget, freedom is a good thing. (See Article of Faith 11)
There have been protesters at Temple Square during General Conference for years. This time, they came inside. Good. Maybe they'll have felt the Spirit. If they meant it as a mockery, they will want somebody to pay attention. I don't propose to do that.
I remember leaving the Conference Center on one occasion and hearing the some rude, mocking and slanderous words shouted by protesting individuals. They were arousing some contention among some members but the vast majority of us pressed forward, iron rod style. At that moment, the words of Nephi entered my mind, and have stayed with me ever since.
"We heeded them not."
The great and spacious building was not our goal. Not worth any expenditure of effort. (See 1Nephi 8:33)
So, yeah. I really am not upset that people came to Conference who oppose the church leaders. If they violated their covenants, they have hurt themselves and their families and that is sad. However, I feel only pity for them. I am not angry, offended, put out or frustrated. I don't even know who the people are or why they did it. I did not read the articles about them. I simply do not care.
Can they hurt the Church?
Ah, you make me laugh. All they did was not sustain. Big whoop de do. Maybe if they formed a mob and locked up/tarred and feathered the Prophet--oh wait. That's been done and the Church is still here. Maybe if the mob attacked and killed the LDS Church leaders-- or if it were legal to kill Mormons-- or if they were all arrested, beaten, robbed and driven out of the country then that would hurt the Church.
Or not.
Joseph Smith wrote,
"No unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear; till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done." (From The Wentworth Letter)
None of these calamities will destroy the Church if it is true, and none of them are necessary if it is not. We, as members, are not that perfect. Or even close. We give offense. We get angry. Sometimes we don't forgive. Sometimes we don't repent. Sometimes we are blinded by pride or our own desires. If a testimony came from our neighbors instead of God, the church would die in a few short years.
Or, as one man put it, "If the Church weren't true, the missionaries would have ruined it years ago." Not that there aren't great members and missionaries. It's just that some are, shall we say, not quite mature. This friend of mine was one who painted an American flag on the top of his car and paraded around England on July 4, so he's an expert in the above category.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints survives only because it is true. Only God could produce a worldwide church out of the disaster that once faced it. Persecutions did and do rage. Mobs have combined. Armies have assembled and calumny continues to defame. But the truth of God goes forth boldly, nobly and independent. It has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, continues to sweep every country and is in the process of sounding in every ear. The Church is stronger today than it has ever been. It will continue until the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done.
I am a Mormon because it brings me peace. I only "follow the Prophet" when I receive a confirming witness from the Holy Ghost that the words are true and that is what I should do. Funny how I receive it every time. The work of the Lord is fulfilling, wondrous and inspiring. I want to do it. I won't waste time by focusing my energy on the great and spacious building. I will not ask it why it doesn't like me. I want to follow Christ.
The Church is true. The Gospel is real. Jesus Christ lives today and is at the Head of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Father in Heaven is real, alive and very involved in all of our lives. He answers prayers because He loves us and will answer any question we ask with real intent. I know that. And so can you. If you want.
NOTHING.
Here's why.
The Prophet is still called of God.
I believe that Jesus Christ calls prophets today because He loves us. I believe that Thomas S. Monson is one of them, a duly authorized servant of God. If all the members worldwide simultaneously left the church and no one remained except the Prophet, that would not change his calling, office or authority. If we had created the office of the President of the Church, then we could remove him. Since God is the one who made the office and the person filling it, all authority and power can and do operate completely independent of the members' belief in it.
Freedom of Speech.
We the People are guaranteed freedom of expression by the same Constitutional Amendment that allows us freedom of press, worship and peaceful assembly (AKA, the Conference and the Ensign) and the right to petition the government for redress of grievances. People can make any statement they want. The dissenters in question weren't even disrespectful. All who opposed the appointment of the Church leaders were invited to manifest it. That's what they did. As far as I'm concerned, they can do it again and bring their friends. (More people on holy ground hearing a prophet's voice? For sure!) Other people's choice in religious beliefs is nothing to get mad about. They can worship. They can sustain. They can protest. Lest we forget, freedom is a good thing. (See Article of Faith 11)
There have been protesters at Temple Square during General Conference for years. This time, they came inside. Good. Maybe they'll have felt the Spirit. If they meant it as a mockery, they will want somebody to pay attention. I don't propose to do that.
I remember leaving the Conference Center on one occasion and hearing the some rude, mocking and slanderous words shouted by protesting individuals. They were arousing some contention among some members but the vast majority of us pressed forward, iron rod style. At that moment, the words of Nephi entered my mind, and have stayed with me ever since.
"We heeded them not."
The great and spacious building was not our goal. Not worth any expenditure of effort. (See 1Nephi 8:33)
So, yeah. I really am not upset that people came to Conference who oppose the church leaders. If they violated their covenants, they have hurt themselves and their families and that is sad. However, I feel only pity for them. I am not angry, offended, put out or frustrated. I don't even know who the people are or why they did it. I did not read the articles about them. I simply do not care.
Can they hurt the Church?
Ah, you make me laugh. All they did was not sustain. Big whoop de do. Maybe if they formed a mob and locked up/tarred and feathered the Prophet--oh wait. That's been done and the Church is still here. Maybe if the mob attacked and killed the LDS Church leaders-- or if it were legal to kill Mormons-- or if they were all arrested, beaten, robbed and driven out of the country then that would hurt the Church.
Or not.
Joseph Smith wrote,
"No unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear; till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done." (From The Wentworth Letter)
None of these calamities will destroy the Church if it is true, and none of them are necessary if it is not. We, as members, are not that perfect. Or even close. We give offense. We get angry. Sometimes we don't forgive. Sometimes we don't repent. Sometimes we are blinded by pride or our own desires. If a testimony came from our neighbors instead of God, the church would die in a few short years.
Or, as one man put it, "If the Church weren't true, the missionaries would have ruined it years ago." Not that there aren't great members and missionaries. It's just that some are, shall we say, not quite mature. This friend of mine was one who painted an American flag on the top of his car and paraded around England on July 4, so he's an expert in the above category.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints survives only because it is true. Only God could produce a worldwide church out of the disaster that once faced it. Persecutions did and do rage. Mobs have combined. Armies have assembled and calumny continues to defame. But the truth of God goes forth boldly, nobly and independent. It has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, continues to sweep every country and is in the process of sounding in every ear. The Church is stronger today than it has ever been. It will continue until the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done.
I am a Mormon because it brings me peace. I only "follow the Prophet" when I receive a confirming witness from the Holy Ghost that the words are true and that is what I should do. Funny how I receive it every time. The work of the Lord is fulfilling, wondrous and inspiring. I want to do it. I won't waste time by focusing my energy on the great and spacious building. I will not ask it why it doesn't like me. I want to follow Christ.
The Church is true. The Gospel is real. Jesus Christ lives today and is at the Head of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Father in Heaven is real, alive and very involved in all of our lives. He answers prayers because He loves us and will answer any question we ask with real intent. I know that. And so can you. If you want.
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