Do you still remember being pregnant? Was it fun or miserable? (Misery makes the best stories!) If you remember, want to remember or are preggo right now, you might enjoy these.
Top 10 Most Hilariously Annoying Things About Being Pregnant.
10. Pregnancy Brain
When you can't process simple instructions, can't remember what you were going to do next, or you forget what you were saying right in the middle of your sentence... you might have pregnancy brain. You can't understand the answer to your own question. "The Rubiks Cube works HOW again?" "Bleg. I can't process anything you're saying. Don't make me call tech support. Don't make me call tech support!"
9. Extra Paranoia
Cheers. Just for you. Movies you used to like now cause anxiety. People you used to like cause anxiety. Don't even think about watching the news or discussing politics. It's too much. Try not to argue with anyone. Those hormones make everything seem worse than it is and you'll end up saying things you'll regret.
8. Weird Dreams
When your boss shows up on a panel (in Cuba) of your least favorite relatives to discuss your messy house and bad hair, that qualifies as a nightmare. If your offspring is suddenly a tomato or kitten, that's definitely weird. When you dream of sleeping, you know you're tired. If your bad dream count goes from 0-1 per night up to 5-10, chalk that up to Extra Paranoia. Ooh! And if candy grows on trees, you're very lucky and should stay asleep a little longer.
7. Fatigue Beyond Any Reasonable Expectation
You spend most of your time lying down, or wishing you were. It wouldn't be so bad if you could sleep at night. Waking up hungry, walking to the bathroom, waking up thirsty, walking to the bathroom, waking up too hot, walking to the bathroom, and surviving one more weird dream all cut into precious sleep time. Lucky you could fall asleep at all, what with all that beautiful extra paranoia running through your pregnancy brain, and all those inexplicable aches and pains.
6. Morning And Any-Time-I'm-Awake Sickness
Some women don't ever get sick, have three-hour labors, and are super good looking. We will not, WILL NOT beat them up. They, after all, are missing out on all the fun. They don't know the joys of suddenly running from a room with one hand clapped over their mouth. The unspeakable power of one word to ruin your moment. The delight of needing food, of hating food, of finally thinking of a food that sounds remotely palatable, of changing your mind about your favorite food for the foreseeable future. Poor saps.
5. Strange Cravings
What is the weirdest thing you've craved? Pickles? Sushi? Seaweed? The special burrito that only your mom can make correctly and is strangely unavailable at three in the morning? With my oldest son, it was peaches and Chinese food. With my youngest, it was steak and fruit juice. Not together. Whatever it is, eat it fast before you don't want it anymore. See number 6.
4. Offensive Odors
Requiring your husband to shower and brush his teeth before kissing you is a bit extreme. Except, well... does he want a kiss or not?
Not everyone has this gift. (Lucky!) What a boon to walk into a room and ask, "Is someone painting?" only to find out that nobody knows what you're talking about. Nobody is painting, nobody ate garlic and there has been no dog food anywhere around in the last three days. Your superpower is too good. Too bad that doesn't help your appetite.Taking a walk, that turns into a run, might look like Godzilla has arrived, but no. Your neighbors are just having fried chicken for dinner. Abominable stuff.
3. Inexplicable Aches And Pains
My foot. My back. My head. My everything hurts.
Why????
I don't know. But, take a bath, get a massage and do some stretches. Drink plenty of water and try to lay off the junk food. Get some exercise. And remember hot packs and cold packs and body pillows and acetaminophen. Bless the inventors of these helpful contrivances.
2. The Shrinking Clothes
Sadly, these are not the magic clothes that make you shrink. They seem to shrink themselves from one day to the next. We knew there was a reason our favorite jeans feel so tight.
What is there left to wear when you're right in between regular and maternity? Compromise. Maternity pants and regular shirts. Or dresses every day. (But not those accursed pantyhose.) Or, my personal favorite, stay in your pajamas all day long. When that gets depressing, just buy a size up. These might fit you again after the baby comes and be good transitional clothes.
My Favorite Clothing Story
While I was 5 months along with my younger son, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. (Ha ha! Go special-order a dress that won't fit you by the time it's ready to wear.) It worked out, but only because I was lucky enough to find a dress off the rack, a few days before the occasion. It's not even maternity but it accommodated a seven-month belly, due to its gathered empire waist that fits every shape. I still wear it.
1. Unsolicited Advice from Strangers
What is the deal with all kinds of people walking up to you, assuming you're pregnant (what if you're just fat?) and asking a lot of questions? "When are you due? Boy or girl? Is it your first? No?" Noticeable disappointment. Your pregnancy is less the miracle somehow. But it's still everybody's business. "Let me give you some advice that you don't want and find a little disturbing, coupled with my own personal stories to bore and terrify you."
To be fair, it's not all bad. Sometimes people will just be nice and give you their seat, or bring you a cup of water, or let you cut in line to the bathroom. (One man stopped a bus for me because he thought I was on my way to the hospital! Ha ha!) They might give you extra French fries when you're hungry or reassure you that everything will most likely be fine. These are all useful and welcome.
And the advice and personal stories weren't really that bad. The first hundred times. But wow! Can we stop now? Can we stop after the next hundred? Is there an end in sight? One mistake I made was... the train. The whole crowd of passengers all simultaneously advising, arguing about which old wives tale is right. And the worst part? You can't walk away. (Probably this is worst-case scenario and easily avoided. To test this theory, go ride the public transportation with an obvious bump and see what happens. Report back here and best of luck to you.)
My Favorite Happy Memory
I loved feeling my boys move for the first time, and every time. Just knowing that they were okay and would soon make their debut into MY arms was the thrill of a lifetime. (I'll have to remember this when they become teenagers.) The love makes it all worth it, And yes, I would do it all again.
Okay, so there are a few things I would change. For instance, riding the train. Otherwise, not much. I love my boys. I wanted them, they're here, and I still like them. I will chalk this up to The Inexplicable Love of Children Who Wake You Up at Night and Whine During Daylight Hours. But, that's another blog.
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