It Was A Lovely Party. And Then I Saw The Pictures

This was my bridal shower.

 I'd taken my bridal photos that day and thought I would look cute. Ha! I make wretched faces in all the pics but wait 'til you see everybody else's.

It started with a nice speech.

Then it got nerdy.

The toasting fork is nice. 

 And this gift is even "cooler".

 But this one gives me warm fuzzies.

 Dorky face.

This one is the best. These two women are watching me unwrap some intimates. Guess which one is my future mother-in-law.



(I totally love my mother-in-law. And I LOVE this picture!)

 Cleanup was fun.

I've been laughing at these for 8.5 years. Now you can too.

My Husband Gave Me An Hour-Long Massage Because I Wrote This

I love to talk about my husband. But I'm not going to brag about what kind of wife I am.  You'll never know whether I give good back rubs, cook his favorite dish or wear a swimsuit for the haircuts I may or may not give him. 

This letter is all you're getting. (I hope it makes you cry. I always like an emotional response.)

Dear Velcro, (Because I'm stuck on him.)

 I love you! Always know that. Everywhere you go, I love you. I am thinking of you. Eight years doesn’t seem like such a long time after all. I want more. So many more.

Thank you for being sweet and supportive. For working so hard. 

For dancing with me by candlelight. For helping me choose my clothes in the morning. 

For helping me shop. For letting me spend our money, knowing that you won’t get mad, even if I blow the budget.

Thank you for playing with our sons. Nothing warms my heart more. I look at you in those moments and think, “This is what a good father is.” 

I never had a father. Thank you for teaching me what they look like.

Thank you for cooking every single day. I know it gets old. I love you for it.

Thank you for being so patient with me, with the boys, with God and with yourself.

Thank you for trying to change for the better. I love who you are. I love that you want growth.

I love that you think I’m beautiful right when I wake up. I love how sometimes you suddenly stop and look at me and forget to listen as I’m speaking.

I love that you read to me and let me read to you.

I love that you let me sing to you. I love that you like it. 

I love when you write me notes. 

I love when you play your bells just for me. 

I love that you laugh at all my jokes.  I love that you send me flowers. I love that you open my door. I love your kiss on my hand.

I love that you help with the cleaning and laundry.

 I love that you remind me to work on my goals. I love that you work on yours.

I love that you taught me how to cross stitch, carve pumpkins, fish, make bread and shave a man.

I couldn’t ask for a better friend but I get a new one every day. It’s always you. Please let me love you forever and ever.

Your Lover

Our trials make me love him all the more, because I see him not giving up on me. Here's to forever.

Dealing with Depression: A Letter to My Mother-In-Law

Dear Mom,

Remember the day we went together to get my engagement ring sized? You were explaining to me how gratitude helped you and how important it is to stay positive. I remember we sang out our thankfulness for traffic lights, family members and pretty trees as we drove through the snowy streets.

When you looked at me that day, could you have imagined what the  next nine years would bring?

Did you see me lying on the floor at two in the morning, singing "I Am Glad for Many Things" trying not to go insane? And that first Christmas Day,  you confided your feelings of having no purpose after your children left home. Did you see me struggling with my identity when my babies died?

Did you know how angry I would be at God? Could you hear my screaming?

When you surrounded yourself with beautiful and cheerful things, did you know how I would stare at  sunsets and flowers? When you put humorous and uplifting messages in every room, did you know that I would do it too? Did you know how much I would need laughter?

All the times you invited me on your daily walk, did you know how important exercise would be to my survival?

All the times that you spoke openly about your struggle, did you know how I would need the support of others? Did you know you were freeing me from self-judgement?

When you made your own joy, when you forgave those who hurt you, did you know I was watching?

When you suffered so much, fighting your way out of a dark hole filled with fog and terror, did you know you were teaching me how?

Now you do.

You may wonder why you had to go through it all.

Remember the first time I pranked you at Christmas and invaded your Christmas village with green army men and tanks? Remember the dummy I built and put on your couch? All those times that I tried to make you laugh, all the times I dressed in funny clothes--all the visits and the talks we had---I thought I was helping you. I never realized how much you were helping me.

Thank you.

Your experience had at least one purpose. I have to believe that mine does too.

How to Make Miscarriage Suck LESS

I have had five  miscarriages. I've been pregnant seven times so that means I have a 71.4% failure rate. It sucks--It really does. And the more you have, the worse it sucks. (See my post.) There are times, especially in the first few weeks after a miscarriage, where nothing will help, at all, even a little bit, and you just have to endure, and pray, and get through one day at a time. However, while there may not be anything to make it better, there are a whole lot of things to make it worse and you can AVOID these. If it's too late to avoid the first two, you can still try the rest. Here's what you do.

1. Don't Tell Anyone You're Pregnant.

OK, you should tell your spouse and your doctor. Otherwise, Nobody. Not your mom, not your boss unless you absolutely have to. If you don't tell anyone you're pregnant you'll never have to tell them you miscarried. This way, you don't have to talk about your loss to anybody you don't want--and you can avoid hearing dumb questions over and over. Once you feel strong enough, you can tell select people that you've miscarried, and they can give you support.

2. Have Health Insurance

It really helps if you don't have to worry about medical expenses and it may even cover therapy, which I recommend.

3. Take A Break

You need a week or two off for grieving, to say nothing of physical healing. Work can wait. Get a letter from your doctor to make it official, then stay home and sleep in. You'll be crying, dizzy, unable to think straight, having no motivation and little physical strength, with occasional seething rage. (And the possibility of a bleeding mess.) Trust me. A sane boss doesn't want you there. Take your rest and do some things that you want. Continue for as long as it's helpful. See # 7.

4. Avoid the Person, Place or Activity That Is Most Painful

Pick one or two things that bother you most and feel free to skip them. Refuse to feel bad about it. My personal choice is baby showers. I avoid baby showers like bubonic plague and conjunctivitis. I also minimize my contact with chatty pregnant women. (You can probably think of a few. They don't mean any harm but they can't stop discussing pregnancy and it's seriously annoying.) There is no reason to exacerbate your difficult situation by forcing burdens on yourself. Once you feel ready, you can pick up where you left off.

5. Get Enough Sleep

Really. In the first few days, it may be the only relief you get emotionally. Don't stay up late. Sleep deprivation causes every kind of mischief. Plus, the physical and emotional stress you're experiencing places increased demands on your body. You'll need extra rest, perhaps for a long while. Give yourself a break and go to bed as soon as you want. Take naps. Sleep in sometimes, perhaps often. If anxiety or depression keeps you awake, sleep with lights on, have a good cry, do yoga before bed, turn on soft music or read a low-stress, spiritually uplifting book. Ask your doctor about sleep aids, natural and otherwise.

6. Keep Taking Those Vitamins

It may be hard for you to do anything for you, and it may seem pointless when there is no longer a baby to benefit from your self-care. Do it anyway. With or without a baby, your body now has to heal and transform itself to a non-pregnant state. It's almost as much work as growing a baby. You don't want to become deficient in vitamins and minerals--that makes everything worse. Keep taking them regularly. If you can't make yourself do it, ask a friend to remind you and make you accountable.

7. Make Yourself Get Out And Do Stuff

When you wake up in the morning and your body says "Get up" and you mind says, "What for?" that's normal. You do need to get up though. After your initial rest, staying in too much will not only lose it's usefulness but actually cause more depression and anxiety. It's time to get back in the world. You may hate everything you used to love and think nothing sounds fun, but chances are, it will end up being more fun than you thought. And it will help you, little by little, to get out of the rut. For me, having a (flexible, non-demanding) job was the best thing. It forced me to get dressed, to comb my hair and to focus on something other than my misery for a few hours.

8. Exercise!

Relieve stress and occupy your thoughts with something you CAN control. Exercise does it all. I have had great results from hiking every week. Think about it. You've climbed a mountain! You've accomplished something difficult. You're getting fresh air, sunshine, exercise and a change of scene all in one. You'll have positive memories to look back on. And, if you're feeling fat or slobbish, a workout helps with that too.

9. Try Not to Think Too Much

Make time for physical activities. Thoughts and feelings are important, but don't make negative thoughts the center of your life. Get things done. Work with your hands. Try something new. Don't get caught in the guilt-building nightmare of "I should have," "I wish" or "If only." Instead try, "This is the situation. This is how I feel about it." Allow your feelings. Process them when it helps and distract yourself when it doesn't.

10. Don't Go Back

You'll need time to grieve and cry. Give yourself this time. It's a process that may take years. However, once you've got past the most painful time, (probably several months,) don't keep going back. Dwelling on the pain long-term will not help you. Instead, try to focus on the positive as much as you can.

Things will get better. There is always hope.

There is one more thing that really helped me. I tried to think of what purpose God might have for me and why I kept having miscarriages.

I found one; so personal, so wonderful. And I received a special witness that my children are real, mine, and they love me. My Leif, Jenna, Alice, William and David. I do have seven children after all. And despite all naysayers and advice to the contrary, I do not believe that I'm done. God has a purpose and I will not fight it anymore. His way is always the best way.

I believe He really will wipe away all our tears. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"-Psalm 30:5

Six Questions People With Big Families Wish You Would Stop Asking

I have a big family. My sister has a big family. (Everybody in my family has a big family.) Guess what. We like it. Stop assuming that we don't and stop assuming that our parents were crazy. They were, but you can't just assume that everybody who wants kids is crazy. Chances are, they were perfectly sane until they became parents. And some people actually like their kids. Really. So quit all the shocked stares and sorrowful shaking of the head. And never, ever ask these cliche questions again.

1. So, You're Done, Right?

Are you done asking me about my romantic life and use of contraception? What are you, my doctor? Make like my mom's third baby and butt out.

2. Are You Crazy?

Probably. But maybe it's you. My siblings are hilarious. My children are hilarious. I happen to love to laugh so it's natural to want to fill up a room with highly entertaining people. If you don't want to, you might be crazy.

3. You Have Eleven Siblings? Did Your Parents Ever Do Anything Else?

After I get done cringing at your vulgarity, you should understand that under the right conditions, trying for babies once a year for twelve years can produce twelve children. I'm not saying that's what they did because, oh my! It's none of my business! And none of yours.

4. You Have Two Babies And You're Pregnant Again? Don't You Know What Causes That?

Um, no. Won't you please explain it to me? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I was there but it's just a bit fuzzy, ya know?  Hmmm. Interesting. Well, now that I know, I'll definitely make different choices, and all because you took a moment to ask impertinent questions. Thank you so much.

5. Was It Planned?

As a matter of fact, I want kids. Having kids close together so they can have a playmate? Totally on purpose. You know what wasn't planned? Having this conversation with you. I tried really hard to prevent it but, you know. Accidents will happen. If only there was a pill or something.

6. Don't You Care About Overpopulating the World?

No. Your reluctance to reproduce is more than adequate.

In all seriousness, the births in most developed countries are below the replacement rate. More people are growing old and dying than are being born, which is a real problem economically and strategically. Somebody has got to have children and teach them to be responsible, ethical citizens. You're welcome.

BONUS QUESTION

7. Don't You Need A Better Financial Situation Before Trying for Kids?

Don't you need to get the facts before you speak? By the way, I'm not going to tell you the facts. (They're none of your business.) So don't speak.

Questions You Should Ask

Can I get you some water?

Yes, thank you.

Would you like to sit down?

Sure thing.

When can we do a play date?

Friday at 2 pm.

Wanna hang out and watch a movie?

Yes! What movie?

Is there anything I can help you with?

I think I'm okay right now. Thanks for asking.

Are you excited?

I can't wait to hold him.

Are you just amazing?

Awww. Mostly, I think kids are amazing.

Are your parents strong and courageous?

They must be. They put up with me.

Are you ready for this?

Bring it on.

Are you having kids just to pass on your stunning good looks?

How did you know?

If you have five kids, you have a basketball team. Have a few more and you've got a full dugout. Whether you're into sports or want your own personal choir and stand-up comedy club, a big family will never leave you bored. (And they may never leave at all.)

In my family, two's company and three's a party. We smile, we laugh and joke. We say, "Do you remember?"  And we do remember. And we fall off our chairs sometimes. When I get together with my million best friends who I've known my whole life, I feel a closeness, a security that can't be replicated anywhere else. We have our fights, our disagreements and our times of sorrow, but this feeling of safety, of belonging is what keeps me coming back.

Sometimes people ask me if I would go back and change anything about my childhood. The answer is yes. I would change a lot of things. But not my siblings. I'm keeping them forever.

Treating People Like Babies--Yes We Should!

Everyone has some cause to be jealous of small children. They're cute when they're angry, beautiful when they're fat, their clumsiness is adorable, and when they're grumpy they get a nap. Where do I sign up?

There are other perks babies get that I think we should extend to everyone. (Not the diapering and feeding, necessarily.)

1. Sad Babies Get Hugs

When we're sad, we don't want to be told that there's no reason to feel the way we do. We don't want to be brushed off. Instead, adopt a childcare strategy and HOLD/HUG and don't let go until we feel better. Pity may not be a party but we'll cry if we want to.

2. Babies Are Praised for Every Achievement

"Oh, look! Baby wiggled her toes! So sweet." Call me crazy, but I don't much care if an adult wiggles his/her toes.

Unless they couldn't before. It's the adversity, the challenge that makes achievement noteworthy and I think everyone deserves some praise. I'm sure everyone wants it.We all need to celebrate our little victories and we don't mind if a friend celebrates with us. Let's hear some more, "Evelyn made bread and it turned out really well" and "Jack really wanted to sock Fred in the nose and he didn't do it. Way to go, Bro!"

3. Babies Are Endlessly Forgiven

Probably nobody would speak to me if I routinely (or even once) woke them up at night or threw food on the wall. Or dumped all the silverware on the floor, or finger painted with poo. (FYI, I have not desire to do this. Some of you may be unsubscribing right now just because I mentioned it.)

Forgiveness doesn't mean putting yourself in harm's way or admitting that someone else is right when they're not. Rather, it means not dwelling on the negative, and trying to look for the good in others.

Fact is, babies regularly do really rude things that they don't know will bother you. When they're hungry or don't feel well, they don't care what bothers you. (Even if they've learned that you have feelings.) And they get forgiveness without even asking, because you love them and give them the benefit of the doubt. You kinda have to since unfriending them isn't an option.

What about grownups? Can we give them the benefit of the doubt? "Did she KNOW saying that would hurt your feelings?" "Did he MEAN to tick you off when he walked in without removing his shoes?" Or you might say, "Yeah, she was witchy, but she's got post-partum depression so I'll give her a break. I need forgiveness too." Friends, it should be this way. Unfriending everyone isn't an option.

4. Toddlers Say the WORST Things and People Think It's Funny

My baby on the phone.

 I work in a daycare and find my charges very entertaining. They say the funniest things! Even when their statements are AWFUL, I rather enjoy it because I view them with a certain tolerance. They aren't meaning to be hurtful, they just have no filter.

Sometimes, adults have no filter. Whether it's a slip of the tongue or lack of sleep, it happens to the best of us. Can we laugh it off, or do we make them "an offender for a word?"

Let's enjoy it. They are probably not dumb, rude, socially backward, dirty minded or evil. They only lost their filter for a moment and when it comes back, you get to laugh really hard with them, as their face turns red as a beet. And then you get to forget all about it.

5. Babies Are Accepted--Just the Way They Are

Nobody says, "My baby is such a nerd" or "Wow, I hope he's not going to wear his hair like that." They're beautiful and perfect just for being themselves. And so is everybody. Different strengths and weaknesses are what make our world amazing. Or, as my adorable seven-year-old says, "If everyone were the same, I wouldn't know who was Joe."

Denny in a bee costume and his uncle's hat.

6. Babies Get Babied

When we're sick or having a hard day, who takes care of us? Mostly, no one. And that's okay. But sometimes, we need a little more TLC.  I'm a mom and I take care of everyone, but nobody takes care of the mom. It can get rough. That's why we should kick our relationships up a notch and care for our friends sometimes.

I'll never forget the time I was in college and working, having a rough time. I was living away from home and trying to be grown up. One Sunday before finals, I was exhausted and had just about had it. I felt like I couldn't go home and face all my responsibilities that day. I asked my friend if I could go home with her and she eagerly agreed. Her brother drove us from the church and into a kind of paradise.

Their home was a peace-filled, love-infused domicile of Christmas Spirit. The mom smiled sweetly, spoke gently and fed me dinner. I helped them decorate their trees and afterward I snuggled up on the couch under a hand-crocheted afghan while the dad told us all a bedtime story. We were all adults but we loved it. And I--- I got to be part of a real family for a little while. I was important. I was included. I was going to be okay.

Riding the North Pole Express

When The brother drove me to my home that evening, I felt lighter and stronger, and I faced my trials with courage.

Even today, almost nine years later, this kind family are dear to me. They have become my family.

Sometimes, my mother-in-law voices her regret that maybe she was too pushy with regard to her eldest son's marriage, that maybe she hurried us into it. As a matter of fact, she did, but not in the way she supposes.

I might never have fallen in love with her son if...

If they hadn't all been so wonderful. My only regret is that I couldn't love them all sooner.

(I just asked hubby if he had any regrets and he said no. "I love you and I love our boys. You're still so good for me." I guess he doesn't feel pushed or hurried.)

Bestowing this kind of tenderness on people can have drastic consequences:

They just might love you forever.

Mommy, We Are Worms

One day, my boys climbed into my bed for a cuddle, and then started telling me about worms.

"They eat dirt, Mommy," said my youngest, "and they poop it too."

"Yeah, and they're good for gardens," his brother added.

And then we were all pretending to be worms, burrowing under the comforter and squirming away whenever we thought ants were nearby. We hid from the sun and climbed out when it rained.

"Mommy, you are a mommy worm and I'm a baby worm."
"No," I said, "I'm an ant."
"And I was your baby."

Later on, they changed into ants and role-played predator and prey actions. We had a conversation that went like this.

Batman: Mommy, are you my friend?
Me: I'm an ant, so I might have to eat you.
Batman: I was a worm and I was your friend.
Me: I eat worms.
Batman: But I was your friend. Mommy, if you eat your friends, then you wouldn't have a friend anymore.

I'm amazed at his wisdom. I immediately became a worm again.

After a time, my husband came home. I said, "Honey, you'll never guess what game we're playing right now."

Little voices respond, "We are worms!"

Watching This Happen Made Me Laugh So Hard!

Funnies from December 2012, on the occasion that my sons began experimenting with photography.

The pictures tell the story.

Denny wrote all the letters he knows.

This is meant to be the door of our house.

Yay! He writes!

This is the Joker.

Batman in his "Batmovile".

Batman with his helmet on.

Batman with sleeves.

Wonder Woman with her invisible airplane. She has girl hair.

Superman! At this point Denny got so excited that he danced a jig  and started flying around the room and jigging alternately. The hilarious part was that every time he took a picture, (he took all of these) he had to show it to his drawing so he could make sure it  was the same. He showed his picture of his drawing of the door to the door. The actual door.

Robin with Kryptonite in his pocket. Batman will kryptonite Superman.

MY Batman took this one of the "misuto". Later he tried to photograph the couch and was heard to say, "Couch, say 'Cheese'. Come on Couch! Say 'cheese' to me."

"My lizards are hanging on the train".

Pictures of Kids Eating Weird Stuff

I don't want to brag. Wait--yes I do! I happen to think that my kids are the cutest in the entire universe. And so funny! They always did eat weird stuff and they still do. Only now, they call it McDonald's.

Chalk! I love chalk!

Sand is so yummy

Tasty mallet from carpet croquet

First birthday cake

Lolipop spaghetti 

Bike pump, confiscated in short order.

Not my kid. That is also a croquet mallet he's biting. They must be better than I thought.

Youngest Child Problems

I am a youngest  child. I have youngest child attitude (or so I hear, from people who are not youngest children.) I'm told that means I wait for people to do things for me.

Okay, cool. So, somebody else write this blog explaining the tribulations of the unjust familial hierarchy that places the most minor minors at the bottom of the totem pole and the end of every list.

No takers?

Fine! I'll do it myself!

If you're a youngest child, here's what you have to deal with.

Older Siblings Are Jealous. Of You

Really. Even though they get to do EVERYTHING. The older brothers and sisters are always saying, "Mom would never have let me do that. Oh, you have it easy."

I say,

How could I possibly have it easy when you worked so hard to make sure I didn't? And since when do you care about what Mom let you do?

There is only ONE valid reason for them to envy your situation and that is this: Since you're the baby of the family, you might be cute for a while. Great. People give you candy, siblings give you dirty looks.

And then steal your candy.

You Get Your Pick of Hand-Me-Downs

 Good thing you wanted them so much when they were new.

You know how sometimes in family pictures, you can't quite tell if that's you or your sister? Well,wearing the same clothes doesn't help. And guess what else--You never get new toys. I mean, NEVVVVVVVEEERRR.

You Can't Be Trusted to Think on Your Own

You get bossed around. A lot. And by everyone!  You don't get your own way. When you finally ask your now-grown siblings to stop telling you, an adult, what to do, they go with responses like, "You're so immature" or "You're too sensitive." Sheesh.

And that brings us to...


Nobody Ever Listens to You. You Don't Know Anything

Everyone is bigger, stronger and smarter than you. And they always will be. You will never be right. They will never be wrong. It's no use to argue because they'll never admit that you've won. Get used to it or get new friends. Or both.

For the record, I love my siblings.

Your Parents Never Let You Do Stuff

Because no matter how old you are, you're still the baby and that means you're too young. I've never been skiing or to Disneyland for this very reason. Due to the fact that everything is forbidden, you have to try things out secretly, AKA, without help. When they go sour, you get in even worse trouble because you can't blame the big sister. Like the time I wanted to make candles and...

And once you do finally get to try something, it's just old hat. Even if you rock it, it's no more than was expected of you. You do everything last and this brings us to school. You go to school and you're known as so-and-so's sister/brother. For.Eh.Ver. Fantastic. And speaking of school, You might like your older sibling's friends but your siblings don't like your friends because they're little and dumb. Like you.

You Get Tricked and Pranked but Have No One to Trick and Prank

Your siblings tell you all kinds of lies and you believe them. (Bert and Ernie are actually named Banana Head and Hamburger head.) It started with the oldest and he just passed it on. Who is the youngest child supposed to pass it on to? Well, I guess you could pass it back.

I once put a rock in my brother's bed. He didn't actually deserve it since he never tricked me. However, he probably tricked the people who tricked me and taught them how. I think justice was served.

You're Little, You're Small

You get picked on sometimes. Or most times. My siblings made me do their chores. They came in my room and I couldn't make them leave. They played with my toys without my permission. (Needing my permission was not a thing.) And they even hit, kicked, punched, scratched, pinched, wet-willied, hair-pulled, walloped, thunked, bit, socked, whacked, smacked, thwacked, cracked, head-locked, noogied, wedgied, swirlied, tied up, wrapped up, squeezed, teased, ratted-out and threatened me.

(Relax! Most of these were anomalies. Okay, we were kinda messed up.)

I fought back but repercussions inevitably followed. Really, the only thing I could do about it was scream really loud and act like it hurt more than it actually did, so they'd get in worse trouble.

By the way, I'm just kidding.

They didn't give me swirlies.

Want to know what's great about being a youngest child?

You get to see all the stupid ways your older siblings got into trouble and then avoid repeating their mistakes. Like, never yell at your mom. She won't take it well.

Also, my siblings were pretty great overall and did help me out with my chores and homework. Probably a lot more than they wanted to. My mom had the job of supporting our family by herself and couldn't always be around. All we children (all of us kids) had adult-sized responsibilities forced on us early in life. My brothers and sisters did a pretty fantastic job stepping up to them. I'm sorry they had to.

I understand that some people did not go through this and can't relate to my point of view.

Lucky.

As a parent, I'm lucky enough that I can be around more than my mom was. I can be the parent and let them be the kids. I'm snoopy and listen at doors regularly. We don't do bullying and we don't do secrets.  I am, however, particularly vigilant that my youngest son does not get his candy purloined.

I would tell more but I'm all tired out from having to do things myself all day long. I'm going to bed now, but tomorrow, I'll see if I can't persuade one of my siblings to tie my shoes for me.

You never know.

How to Give Advice So People Will Listen

 The short answer is, give less of it.

Everyone has (or ought to have) an advice filter that allows only advice they want or are interested in. If you hurl advice constantly, most of it will bounce off. And too much will cause overload and system shut down, causing even helpful advice to fall by the wayside.

Conversely, withholding advice until you know it's wanted will not only allow you to generously help somebody now, but also open the way for future advice-giving opportunities. Because you were helpful this time, they'll seek you out later when they have a question.

Giving advice WITHOUT establishing a need can create problems in communication and even relationships. Unsought advice is usually based on assumptions. First, that a problem exists, and second, that the person involved needs YOUR help to solve it.

Avoid assumptions and ASK. Ask if it’s a problem, and if they want help. They might be totally fine and you can talk about fun things like lollipops and river rafting instead of tough challenges.

The best way to make your wisdom more sought after is to give less of it

One thing I’ve noticed about advice, is that the more experienced the person, the less likely they are to give it. Because they are experienced, they get it. They know that in some situations, advice won’t help. They know that experience is a great teacher and so in non-emergencies, they’ll forego the blah, blah. blahs and let you learn from your own experiences. 

Now pay attention because this is important. If you give me advice I don’t want, I might guess that you’re inexperienced, and therefore, not much worth listening to. In this way, giving advice decreases your credibility. 

On the other hand, if you listen and offer actual help, I will guess that you have experience and I may even ask you for your wisdom. Imagine that!


People give me advice all the time and, usually, I don't want it very much. It's like a bad Christmas gift. You don't want it. You don't want to be rude. You don't want to give it to anyone else.

Some of my favorite examples relate to parenting. It seems like everybody wants to fix you, or your kids or your parenting style when, most of the time, there is not a real, existing problem. (Even "naughty" kids usually grown up to be wonderful, caring adults.)

I have an answer for unwanted parental advisers.


I don’t want your advice. I’d rather hear about how rotten your kids are so that I know I’m not the only one incapable of hypnotizing my kids into perfect obedience. In other words, I’d rather be validated than fixed.

My advice on giving advice: Don’t

Now, please don’t get me wrong. We all have problems and solutions are wonderful. However, before you offer one, try the following:

Be sure your friend WANTS your solution.

“Yeah, I agree it’s a problem. I’m also a responsible, intelligent and literate adult with Internet access and a pediatrician. I think I can figure this one out. Thanks.”

Recognize that not every problem can be solved.

If someone has lost a loved one, no amount of advice is going to bring them back. There will be grief and sadness and advice will not take it away. 

Self-Evaluation

Are you wanting to provide needed assistance or to sound important? Can you offer it tactfully? Advice can often come across as judgmental or patronizing. It may insult the person’s abilities and once you do that, they’ll never want to listen to you.    No one wants to feel attacked.

Be certain there's a problem and that it's serious.

Hey! Most of life’s little difficulties are more funny than anything else. Especially if kids are involved. If I tell a story about some serious naughtiness involving a roll of toilet paper, a paintbrush and a jar of honey, just laugh. (Unless it’s on your carpet, in which case I’d be more understanding if you didn’t crack a smile.) And sticking panty liners all over the window is pretty minor. Now if he were trying to JUMP out the window, we’d be worried. 

Be certain it's not already solved.

Just because it was a problem doesn’t mean it’s still a problem. It’s annoying when a kid paints glitter glue on your walls and furniture but it’s not a huge deal. It comes off with nail polish remover.

And Finally…

How to tell if someone doesn’t want your advice and they’re just being polite because you started talking and they don’t want to be the one to tell you to shut your pie hole already and thereby create an awkward silence

If they…

Squirm and change the subject

Listen with patience instead of interest

Fold arms across chest

Get comfortable

Appear to be amused by you

Respond with, “Uh-huh”

Argue

Say “I already…”

Don’t ask clarifying questions like “And how did you…?”

Say, “Please stop talking.”
Start writing their Last Will and Testament

Sigh

Look really bored

Start playing on their phone

Leave the room

Fall asleep

Say, “Oh, look at the time!”

Suddenly start dancing

Break out in song

Throw up

Hide in the bathroom

Repeatedly say, “You’re so right.”

Now you know. All this time, I have been secretly making your sentences more grammatical instead of internalizing your gems of wisdom. And you’ve been doing the same for me. Cheers.

8 Years Married, 8 Years Happy

I love my husband! He's so nice to me! He's also tall, and talented, patient and passionate, happy and hilarious, genial and generous. I could go on all day.

I couldn't do without him. However, to avoid making all other women jealous, I'll just share the video.

Click to watch.

Why We're Jealous of Tall People

 In response to my super amazing post on the challenges presented by longer bones, a good friend suggested I tell the other side, how amazing it is to be tall.

For Your Enjoyment

It is cool to be tall because...

You almost never look up into anybody's nostrils.

Tall people don't usually block your view.

You can reach over the dishwasher to the cupboard behind it and unload. I still think that's stupid design though.

You can see what' s on top of the fridge.

You can reach high limbs when climbing trees.

You can open right and left side car doors at once. Don't know why you'd ever want to but you can.

 You can dress in drag convincingly. Don't know why... ditto, ditto.

You'll be taller than your kids for a long, long time.

When everyone else is swimming, you can still be walking.

When you give hugs, you almost never smell anybody's armpits.

You get a great view of bald spots and combovers. I'm not sure that's a benefit, actually.

It's hard for small children to put frosting in your hair.

You can find a precarious balance in which neither your head nor your feet are hanging out of bed.

Longer legs can help you run fast. Faster than toddlers, anyway. 

People hesitate to beat you up. Is that true?

And finally, everybody assumes it's cool to be tall so you get lots of compliments. Alrighty.

And there you have it. Be glad to be whatever you are.

 THE END

Jane Austen's Anger Management

In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth teaches us not to talk about people behind their backs, when she learns that she’s been mistaken about Darcy all along. Emma teaches us not to lash out at people for being silly, as she faces remorse for her treatment of Ms. Bates. Catherine Moreland of Northanger Abbey reminds us not to jump to conclusions, and in Persuasion, Anne Elliot regrets her hastily broken engagement, teaching us to be patient and give relationships a chance.

Jane Austen’s characters can teach us a lot about what not to do, and give us some practical, problem-solving advice. For both empathy and healthy boundaries, I give you...

Examples in Etiquette from the Books 

When you’re having a hard time or somebody ticks you off, it’s easy to feel justified in rudeness. Especially if you happen to be right this time. But don’t do it. Keep a cool head, remembering that “Angry people are not always wise,” as taught by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice.

We hope that all the meanies will confront their traumatic childhoods and seek professional counseling, but until they take that step, here are five important tips for dealing with the people who behave badly.

1      Keep Your Sense of Humor

 When Mr. Darcy insulted Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice) upon their first meeting, she had such fun laughing about it with her friends. Did she like it? No. Was he out of line? Of course. But mean people say the most unimaginably ridiculous things that you can't help but laugh at times. Indeed, in my years of customer service, the most insanely unreasonable people made the greatest stories. Without ever breaching confidentiality, we still have some good laughs over the crazies. Just remember, if you are mean, you expose yourself to ridicule.

2     Don’t Deal with Them at All

 Never seek the opportunity to be abused. Avoid jerks when you can and be brief when you must. Polite excuses are hard to find fault with. Remember that while Elizabeth disliked Darcy, she treated him with civility. It’s the “I think you’re psycho but I’m going to just smile and say ‘hello’ for a minute before I make a modest exit” approach.

If you’re mean to somebody, don’t be surprised if they give polite reasons not to hang out with you.

 Kill Them with Kindness

Mrs. Elton, in the book Emma, was always bragging, butting in, giving unsolicited advice and bossing people around. She took over other people’s parties and conversations, demanded to be the center of attention and made others bow to her schedule. Worse still, she became insulted when anyone opposed her. 

Her attitude bothered Emma so much that Emma decided to give a party for her. What’s the benefit? Emma kept herself unspotted from scandal by not openly decrying Mrs. Elton’s idiocy. Emma was so nice, that she elevated herself. Nobody could accuse her of being like Mrs. Elton. 

4    Confront the Problem

Both big and small problems should be confronted and discussed at the time they occur. Waiting on the little things makes your argument less potent and you just build up resentment that nobody knows about and sounds stupid when it’s finally brought to light. Speak up!

Waiting on the big issues might make you a villain. Abuse needs to be stopped. Austen fans will remember that Mr. Darcy confronted Wickham as soon as he learned of the creeper’s plans to seduce Darcy’s teenage sister,  and didn't wait around. When I found someone verbally abusing my kid, I stepped in to protect my son. Standing up for the innocent is of the greatest importance. Stand up for yourself too.

5     Try to Win Them Over

I would try this one for about one second if the person is very rude and maybe a month if they’re just misunderstood. I would try for a time, and then leave. Not having any other option, Fanny Price, the heroine of Mansfield Park, tried it for years and was eventually rewarded with the faith of her guardians and the love of Edmund. Since leaving was out of the question, she made the best of the situation, Cinderella style.

Most people can be won over, I think. It helps to pray for them. As Mr. Knightley told Emma, “The truest friend does not doubt, but hope.” All the people I’ve succeeded at befriending were brought to reason in a matter of days. The ones who “got away” may not be worth the effort.

I hope they are.

I hope for friendship everywhere I look. But that’s up to them. 

And now, some of my most humble opinions on Having Your Say...

Try to stay calm, and make sure it’s important. For instance, I once asked someone if she'd found a craft idea on Pinterest and she got annoyed and said so. I'm in agreement that Pinterest is super offensive and controversial. All those craft ideas, especially. What could I have been thinking? 

Anger makes everything seem important, but later on, it might just be petty.

How do you tell if your argument is valid? How will you know if the logic is winning or the anger?

Are your words insulting? Do you make personal remarks? Do you want to be right or to do the right thing? Are you intending to help? How would you feel if someone used the same arguments against you? What would Jesus do?

If your complaints are true and real, does that justify any kind of action? If so, how much and what kind?

For scope and my own amusement, here is a list of scenarios and appropriate responses.

• Your kid is annoying you.                            Give more hugs and attention, or take a break.
• Somebody  else's kid is annoying you.        Walk away or kindly ask the child to walk away.
• You're sick, tired or depressed.                    Avoid situations and people you can't handle.
• You have no patience left.                            Ask for help.
• You want to be in charge of everybody.      Not here, Hitler. Chill out. Get therapy.
• Someone was really mean to you.               Use your words, don't try to hurt them back.
• Somebody thinks you're acting weird.         You probably are. Relax and enjoy it. 
• The annoyances just won't stop!                   Take a time out. Ask for help.

When is it OK to use mean words? Never. 
When is it OK to hit someone? When they try to kill you. 
When is it OK to (yell) raise your voice?  Emergencies and sporting events. 

Afraid of confrontation? It is OK to write a letter. Just think it through over several days.  Just as Mr. Darcy later regretted his rude salutation, our letters, emails and posts may come back to haunt us. Documents last longer than spoken word, and can be reproduced by others long after you've forgotten your reason for writing. 

In almost every situation... 

This axiom from Disneys Bambi is true. "If you cant say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

For everything else...

Jesus, the Master of empathy and forgiveness, taught, “So in everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for this sums up the law and the prophets.”

And that sums up this blog.

Until next time, please remember not to elope without an income. 

XOXOXOXO

Abby