Mommy, We Are Worms

One day, my boys climbed into my bed for a cuddle, and then started telling me about worms.

"They eat dirt, Mommy," said my youngest, "and they poop it too."

"Yeah, and they're good for gardens," his brother added.

And then we were all pretending to be worms, burrowing under the comforter and squirming away whenever we thought ants were nearby. We hid from the sun and climbed out when it rained.

"Mommy, you are a mommy worm and I'm a baby worm."
"No," I said, "I'm an ant."
"And I was your baby."

Later on, they changed into ants and role-played predator and prey actions. We had a conversation that went like this.

Batman: Mommy, are you my friend?
Me: I'm an ant, so I might have to eat you.
Batman: I was a worm and I was your friend.
Me: I eat worms.
Batman: But I was your friend. Mommy, if you eat your friends, then you wouldn't have a friend anymore.

I'm amazed at his wisdom. I immediately became a worm again.

After a time, my husband came home. I said, "Honey, you'll never guess what game we're playing right now."

Little voices respond, "We are worms!"

Watching This Happen Made Me Laugh So Hard!

Funnies from December 2012, on the occasion that my sons began experimenting with photography.

The pictures tell the story.

Denny wrote all the letters he knows.

This is meant to be the door of our house.

Yay! He writes!

This is the Joker.

Batman in his "Batmovile".

Batman with his helmet on.

Batman with sleeves.

Wonder Woman with her invisible airplane. She has girl hair.

Superman! At this point Denny got so excited that he danced a jig  and started flying around the room and jigging alternately. The hilarious part was that every time he took a picture, (he took all of these) he had to show it to his drawing so he could make sure it  was the same. He showed his picture of his drawing of the door to the door. The actual door.

Robin with Kryptonite in his pocket. Batman will kryptonite Superman.

MY Batman took this one of the "misuto". Later he tried to photograph the couch and was heard to say, "Couch, say 'Cheese'. Come on Couch! Say 'cheese' to me."

"My lizards are hanging on the train".

Pictures of Kids Eating Weird Stuff

I don't want to brag. Wait--yes I do! I happen to think that my kids are the cutest in the entire universe. And so funny! They always did eat weird stuff and they still do. Only now, they call it McDonald's.

Chalk! I love chalk!

Sand is so yummy

Tasty mallet from carpet croquet

First birthday cake

Lolipop spaghetti 

Bike pump, confiscated in short order.

Not my kid. That is also a croquet mallet he's biting. They must be better than I thought.

Youngest Child Problems

I am a youngest  child. I have youngest child attitude (or so I hear, from people who are not youngest children.) I'm told that means I wait for people to do things for me.

Okay, cool. So, somebody else write this blog explaining the tribulations of the unjust familial hierarchy that places the most minor minors at the bottom of the totem pole and the end of every list.

No takers?

Fine! I'll do it myself!

If you're a youngest child, here's what you have to deal with.

Older Siblings Are Jealous. Of You

Really. Even though they get to do EVERYTHING. The older brothers and sisters are always saying, "Mom would never have let me do that. Oh, you have it easy."

I say,

How could I possibly have it easy when you worked so hard to make sure I didn't? And since when do you care about what Mom let you do?

There is only ONE valid reason for them to envy your situation and that is this: Since you're the baby of the family, you might be cute for a while. Great. People give you candy, siblings give you dirty looks.

And then steal your candy.

You Get Your Pick of Hand-Me-Downs

 Good thing you wanted them so much when they were new.

You know how sometimes in family pictures, you can't quite tell if that's you or your sister? Well,wearing the same clothes doesn't help. And guess what else--You never get new toys. I mean, NEVVVVVVVEEERRR.

You Can't Be Trusted to Think on Your Own

You get bossed around. A lot. And by everyone!  You don't get your own way. When you finally ask your now-grown siblings to stop telling you, an adult, what to do, they go with responses like, "You're so immature" or "You're too sensitive." Sheesh.

And that brings us to...


Nobody Ever Listens to You. You Don't Know Anything

Everyone is bigger, stronger and smarter than you. And they always will be. You will never be right. They will never be wrong. It's no use to argue because they'll never admit that you've won. Get used to it or get new friends. Or both.

For the record, I love my siblings.

Your Parents Never Let You Do Stuff

Because no matter how old you are, you're still the baby and that means you're too young. I've never been skiing or to Disneyland for this very reason. Due to the fact that everything is forbidden, you have to try things out secretly, AKA, without help. When they go sour, you get in even worse trouble because you can't blame the big sister. Like the time I wanted to make candles and...

And once you do finally get to try something, it's just old hat. Even if you rock it, it's no more than was expected of you. You do everything last and this brings us to school. You go to school and you're known as so-and-so's sister/brother. For.Eh.Ver. Fantastic. And speaking of school, You might like your older sibling's friends but your siblings don't like your friends because they're little and dumb. Like you.

You Get Tricked and Pranked but Have No One to Trick and Prank

Your siblings tell you all kinds of lies and you believe them. (Bert and Ernie are actually named Banana Head and Hamburger head.) It started with the oldest and he just passed it on. Who is the youngest child supposed to pass it on to? Well, I guess you could pass it back.

I once put a rock in my brother's bed. He didn't actually deserve it since he never tricked me. However, he probably tricked the people who tricked me and taught them how. I think justice was served.

You're Little, You're Small

You get picked on sometimes. Or most times. My siblings made me do their chores. They came in my room and I couldn't make them leave. They played with my toys without my permission. (Needing my permission was not a thing.) And they even hit, kicked, punched, scratched, pinched, wet-willied, hair-pulled, walloped, thunked, bit, socked, whacked, smacked, thwacked, cracked, head-locked, noogied, wedgied, swirlied, tied up, wrapped up, squeezed, teased, ratted-out and threatened me.

(Relax! Most of these were anomalies. Okay, we were kinda messed up.)

I fought back but repercussions inevitably followed. Really, the only thing I could do about it was scream really loud and act like it hurt more than it actually did, so they'd get in worse trouble.

By the way, I'm just kidding.

They didn't give me swirlies.

Want to know what's great about being a youngest child?

You get to see all the stupid ways your older siblings got into trouble and then avoid repeating their mistakes. Like, never yell at your mom. She won't take it well.

Also, my siblings were pretty great overall and did help me out with my chores and homework. Probably a lot more than they wanted to. My mom had the job of supporting our family by herself and couldn't always be around. All we children (all of us kids) had adult-sized responsibilities forced on us early in life. My brothers and sisters did a pretty fantastic job stepping up to them. I'm sorry they had to.

I understand that some people did not go through this and can't relate to my point of view.

Lucky.

As a parent, I'm lucky enough that I can be around more than my mom was. I can be the parent and let them be the kids. I'm snoopy and listen at doors regularly. We don't do bullying and we don't do secrets.  I am, however, particularly vigilant that my youngest son does not get his candy purloined.

I would tell more but I'm all tired out from having to do things myself all day long. I'm going to bed now, but tomorrow, I'll see if I can't persuade one of my siblings to tie my shoes for me.

You never know.

How to Give Advice So People Will Listen

 The short answer is, give less of it.

Everyone has (or ought to have) an advice filter that allows only advice they want or are interested in. If you hurl advice constantly, most of it will bounce off. And too much will cause overload and system shut down, causing even helpful advice to fall by the wayside.

Conversely, withholding advice until you know it's wanted will not only allow you to generously help somebody now, but also open the way for future advice-giving opportunities. Because you were helpful this time, they'll seek you out later when they have a question.

Giving advice WITHOUT establishing a need can create problems in communication and even relationships. Unsought advice is usually based on assumptions. First, that a problem exists, and second, that the person involved needs YOUR help to solve it.

Avoid assumptions and ASK. Ask if it’s a problem, and if they want help. They might be totally fine and you can talk about fun things like lollipops and river rafting instead of tough challenges.

The best way to make your wisdom more sought after is to give less of it

One thing I’ve noticed about advice, is that the more experienced the person, the less likely they are to give it. Because they are experienced, they get it. They know that in some situations, advice won’t help. They know that experience is a great teacher and so in non-emergencies, they’ll forego the blah, blah. blahs and let you learn from your own experiences. 

Now pay attention because this is important. If you give me advice I don’t want, I might guess that you’re inexperienced, and therefore, not much worth listening to. In this way, giving advice decreases your credibility. 

On the other hand, if you listen and offer actual help, I will guess that you have experience and I may even ask you for your wisdom. Imagine that!


People give me advice all the time and, usually, I don't want it very much. It's like a bad Christmas gift. You don't want it. You don't want to be rude. You don't want to give it to anyone else.

Some of my favorite examples relate to parenting. It seems like everybody wants to fix you, or your kids or your parenting style when, most of the time, there is not a real, existing problem. (Even "naughty" kids usually grown up to be wonderful, caring adults.)

I have an answer for unwanted parental advisers.


I don’t want your advice. I’d rather hear about how rotten your kids are so that I know I’m not the only one incapable of hypnotizing my kids into perfect obedience. In other words, I’d rather be validated than fixed.

My advice on giving advice: Don’t

Now, please don’t get me wrong. We all have problems and solutions are wonderful. However, before you offer one, try the following:

Be sure your friend WANTS your solution.

“Yeah, I agree it’s a problem. I’m also a responsible, intelligent and literate adult with Internet access and a pediatrician. I think I can figure this one out. Thanks.”

Recognize that not every problem can be solved.

If someone has lost a loved one, no amount of advice is going to bring them back. There will be grief and sadness and advice will not take it away. 

Self-Evaluation

Are you wanting to provide needed assistance or to sound important? Can you offer it tactfully? Advice can often come across as judgmental or patronizing. It may insult the person’s abilities and once you do that, they’ll never want to listen to you.    No one wants to feel attacked.

Be certain there's a problem and that it's serious.

Hey! Most of life’s little difficulties are more funny than anything else. Especially if kids are involved. If I tell a story about some serious naughtiness involving a roll of toilet paper, a paintbrush and a jar of honey, just laugh. (Unless it’s on your carpet, in which case I’d be more understanding if you didn’t crack a smile.) And sticking panty liners all over the window is pretty minor. Now if he were trying to JUMP out the window, we’d be worried. 

Be certain it's not already solved.

Just because it was a problem doesn’t mean it’s still a problem. It’s annoying when a kid paints glitter glue on your walls and furniture but it’s not a huge deal. It comes off with nail polish remover.

And Finally…

How to tell if someone doesn’t want your advice and they’re just being polite because you started talking and they don’t want to be the one to tell you to shut your pie hole already and thereby create an awkward silence

If they…

Squirm and change the subject

Listen with patience instead of interest

Fold arms across chest

Get comfortable

Appear to be amused by you

Respond with, “Uh-huh”

Argue

Say “I already…”

Don’t ask clarifying questions like “And how did you…?”

Say, “Please stop talking.”
Start writing their Last Will and Testament

Sigh

Look really bored

Start playing on their phone

Leave the room

Fall asleep

Say, “Oh, look at the time!”

Suddenly start dancing

Break out in song

Throw up

Hide in the bathroom

Repeatedly say, “You’re so right.”

Now you know. All this time, I have been secretly making your sentences more grammatical instead of internalizing your gems of wisdom. And you’ve been doing the same for me. Cheers.