Dealing with Depression: A Letter to My Mother-In-Law

Dear Mom,

Remember the day we went together to get my engagement ring sized? You were explaining to me how gratitude helped you and how important it is to stay positive. I remember we sang out our thankfulness for traffic lights, family members and pretty trees as we drove through the snowy streets.

When you looked at me that day, could you have imagined what the  next nine years would bring?

Did you see me lying on the floor at two in the morning, singing "I Am Glad for Many Things" trying not to go insane? And that first Christmas Day,  you confided your feelings of having no purpose after your children left home. Did you see me struggling with my identity when my babies died?

Did you know how angry I would be at God? Could you hear my screaming?

When you surrounded yourself with beautiful and cheerful things, did you know how I would stare at  sunsets and flowers? When you put humorous and uplifting messages in every room, did you know that I would do it too? Did you know how much I would need laughter?

All the times you invited me on your daily walk, did you know how important exercise would be to my survival?

All the times that you spoke openly about your struggle, did you know how I would need the support of others? Did you know you were freeing me from self-judgement?

When you made your own joy, when you forgave those who hurt you, did you know I was watching?

When you suffered so much, fighting your way out of a dark hole filled with fog and terror, did you know you were teaching me how?

Now you do.

You may wonder why you had to go through it all.

Remember the first time I pranked you at Christmas and invaded your Christmas village with green army men and tanks? Remember the dummy I built and put on your couch? All those times that I tried to make you laugh, all the times I dressed in funny clothes--all the visits and the talks we had---I thought I was helping you. I never realized how much you were helping me.

Thank you.

Your experience had at least one purpose. I have to believe that mine does too.