Jane Austen's Anger Management

In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth teaches us not to talk about people behind their backs, when she learns that she’s been mistaken about Darcy all along. Emma teaches us not to lash out at people for being silly, as she faces remorse for her treatment of Ms. Bates. Catherine Moreland of Northanger Abbey reminds us not to jump to conclusions, and in Persuasion, Anne Elliot regrets her hastily broken engagement, teaching us to be patient and give relationships a chance.

Jane Austen’s characters can teach us a lot about what not to do, and give us some practical, problem-solving advice. For both empathy and healthy boundaries, I give you...

Examples in Etiquette from the Books 

When you’re having a hard time or somebody ticks you off, it’s easy to feel justified in rudeness. Especially if you happen to be right this time. But don’t do it. Keep a cool head, remembering that “Angry people are not always wise,” as taught by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice.

We hope that all the meanies will confront their traumatic childhoods and seek professional counseling, but until they take that step, here are five important tips for dealing with the people who behave badly.

1      Keep Your Sense of Humor

 When Mr. Darcy insulted Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice) upon their first meeting, she had such fun laughing about it with her friends. Did she like it? No. Was he out of line? Of course. But mean people say the most unimaginably ridiculous things that you can't help but laugh at times. Indeed, in my years of customer service, the most insanely unreasonable people made the greatest stories. Without ever breaching confidentiality, we still have some good laughs over the crazies. Just remember, if you are mean, you expose yourself to ridicule.

2     Don’t Deal with Them at All

 Never seek the opportunity to be abused. Avoid jerks when you can and be brief when you must. Polite excuses are hard to find fault with. Remember that while Elizabeth disliked Darcy, she treated him with civility. It’s the “I think you’re psycho but I’m going to just smile and say ‘hello’ for a minute before I make a modest exit” approach.

If you’re mean to somebody, don’t be surprised if they give polite reasons not to hang out with you.

 Kill Them with Kindness

Mrs. Elton, in the book Emma, was always bragging, butting in, giving unsolicited advice and bossing people around. She took over other people’s parties and conversations, demanded to be the center of attention and made others bow to her schedule. Worse still, she became insulted when anyone opposed her. 

Her attitude bothered Emma so much that Emma decided to give a party for her. What’s the benefit? Emma kept herself unspotted from scandal by not openly decrying Mrs. Elton’s idiocy. Emma was so nice, that she elevated herself. Nobody could accuse her of being like Mrs. Elton. 

4    Confront the Problem

Both big and small problems should be confronted and discussed at the time they occur. Waiting on the little things makes your argument less potent and you just build up resentment that nobody knows about and sounds stupid when it’s finally brought to light. Speak up!

Waiting on the big issues might make you a villain. Abuse needs to be stopped. Austen fans will remember that Mr. Darcy confronted Wickham as soon as he learned of the creeper’s plans to seduce Darcy’s teenage sister,  and didn't wait around. When I found someone verbally abusing my kid, I stepped in to protect my son. Standing up for the innocent is of the greatest importance. Stand up for yourself too.

5     Try to Win Them Over

I would try this one for about one second if the person is very rude and maybe a month if they’re just misunderstood. I would try for a time, and then leave. Not having any other option, Fanny Price, the heroine of Mansfield Park, tried it for years and was eventually rewarded with the faith of her guardians and the love of Edmund. Since leaving was out of the question, she made the best of the situation, Cinderella style.

Most people can be won over, I think. It helps to pray for them. As Mr. Knightley told Emma, “The truest friend does not doubt, but hope.” All the people I’ve succeeded at befriending were brought to reason in a matter of days. The ones who “got away” may not be worth the effort.

I hope they are.

I hope for friendship everywhere I look. But that’s up to them. 

And now, some of my most humble opinions on Having Your Say...

Try to stay calm, and make sure it’s important. For instance, I once asked someone if she'd found a craft idea on Pinterest and she got annoyed and said so. I'm in agreement that Pinterest is super offensive and controversial. All those craft ideas, especially. What could I have been thinking? 

Anger makes everything seem important, but later on, it might just be petty.

How do you tell if your argument is valid? How will you know if the logic is winning or the anger?

Are your words insulting? Do you make personal remarks? Do you want to be right or to do the right thing? Are you intending to help? How would you feel if someone used the same arguments against you? What would Jesus do?

If your complaints are true and real, does that justify any kind of action? If so, how much and what kind?

For scope and my own amusement, here is a list of scenarios and appropriate responses.

• Your kid is annoying you.                            Give more hugs and attention, or take a break.
• Somebody  else's kid is annoying you.        Walk away or kindly ask the child to walk away.
• You're sick, tired or depressed.                    Avoid situations and people you can't handle.
• You have no patience left.                            Ask for help.
• You want to be in charge of everybody.      Not here, Hitler. Chill out. Get therapy.
• Someone was really mean to you.               Use your words, don't try to hurt them back.
• Somebody thinks you're acting weird.         You probably are. Relax and enjoy it. 
• The annoyances just won't stop!                   Take a time out. Ask for help.

When is it OK to use mean words? Never. 
When is it OK to hit someone? When they try to kill you. 
When is it OK to (yell) raise your voice?  Emergencies and sporting events. 

Afraid of confrontation? It is OK to write a letter. Just think it through over several days.  Just as Mr. Darcy later regretted his rude salutation, our letters, emails and posts may come back to haunt us. Documents last longer than spoken word, and can be reproduced by others long after you've forgotten your reason for writing. 

In almost every situation... 

This axiom from Disneys Bambi is true. "If you cant say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

For everything else...

Jesus, the Master of empathy and forgiveness, taught, “So in everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for this sums up the law and the prophets.”

And that sums up this blog.

Until next time, please remember not to elope without an income. 

XOXOXOXO

Abby

Why Abortion Is Never Okay

Right away someone is going to tell me why abortion is okay. But don't tell me. Tell that to the child.

Nobody ever does tell the baby their reasons for killing him or her. It's far easier to pretend that there is no baby, no real person. But if somebody were honest enough to do it, the explanation would go like this:

John, (or substitute your favorite name) I find this world to be not that great. I have decided to kill you so you'll be better off. Or, John, this world is overcrowded in the opinion of some people I know and so I'm getting rid of you. John, because you don't  look like me and can't survive without oxygen, food and shelter, I'm going to end your life. John, I think I might find out later that your IQ is well below average. You're gone. John, someone you've never met got raped. This really sucks for you. John, I choose you to die in my place on the twenty-third of this month at eleven o'clock. You don't really have a choice. John, your existence complicates my life and we can't have that. John, I don't want you around so you'll need to die now. Thanks for understanding.

You might have noticed that the child never responds. Because they can't. Just like the trees, the whales, and the entire endangered species list. Somebody has to speak for them.

I speak for the babies.

Empathy teaches us compassion. You might find some here. You might also find some hard truths and unwanted perspective. I won't sugar coat it. Whether it's poisoning the child in the womb, inducing a massive heart attack, or taking a syringe to the brain, there is nothing cute, sweet or polite about an abortion.

1.  Abortion Is Not A Solution. Abortion Requires A Solution

I am filled with sorrow and horror to think that anyone suffers the disgusting and horrific experience of rape. Some of my dear friends have experienced such outrage. I have compassion toward them and anger toward the evil and godless individuals who perpetrated the crimes. More than that, I have faith in God. I believe He can heal the hearts and minds of all who turn to Him for help. He will deal justly with those who commit sin.

Aborting a baby because you've had atrocious crime committed against you, is committing another atrocious crime, literally visiting the sins of the fathers upon the heads of the children. Sorry, but that's not the answer. And it won't remove the scars. Healing from rape will take years whether or not there is a pregnancy AND whether or not the pregnancy is terminated. In view of the fact that so many women feel post-abortion grief, a termination is counter productive to emotional healing. You can read about post-abortion grieving (and physical complications)  here, here, here, here and here.

Rape victims can seek help and eventually heal. It can take a lifetime, but God can heal them. Dead babies can't heal from being dead.

It may be best, for financial, emotional or other reasons, for a woman to NOT have and raise a child, especially when she had no choice, no intention whatever of making one. Women who view the pregnancy with anger, as a reminder of a horrific experience, should place the child for adoption. It's better for the mother and the child. Women who do keep the baby and love him/her, experience a blessing. They receive something good even in the face of so much bad.

2. Infanticide, the Practice of Killing Babies After Birth: Extreme Late-Term Abortion.

In some countries,such as India and China, baby girls are killed simply because the parent(s) wanted a boy. In their worldly sense, boys are more desirable because they are strong, can work hard and don't require a dowry.

"Outrageous!" we say. "Girls are worth just as much as a boy." But we are just as guilty. In the worldly sense of our culture, someone has decided that the mother is more valuable than her child. The mother can work, therefore she costs less. She is stronger and can work harder. The baby, financially speaking, is of much less value. And to the pro-abortion and pro-infanticide crowd, this is all that matters.

To those who truly value equality, no life is more important than another. Everyone deserves a chance.


BUT, BUT, BUT

"But if the mother dies, the baby will die anyway." Probably. But that is true in every pregnancy. We don't know that the mother will die. In an abortion, we don't know that she will live. Here's an idea. What if we stopped deciding who will live and who will die? What if we gave them both a chance?

"But if she has other children, who will take care of them if she dies?" If the mother cares about her children so much, why would she consider killing one of them? Does she really place the value of one of her flesh and blood as lower than another? I'm glad she's not my mom.

"But the mother has people depending on her. People who love and need her." You know why? Because she had a chance to make something with her life. Because she was born. Somebody loved her enough to let her live. Someone did that for me. I am a mother and willing to protect my children even if it means risking my own life. I know that someday I will die. And I can think of no better way to leave this earth than in saving the life of someone else. But I choose that. Nobody is choosing it for me. Abortion takes away somebody else's choice.

3. "What if the child will be born with severe mental disabilities"? 

You mean, what if a child is not the same as everybody else? Welcome to the club. Everyone is different. That doesn't mean we kill them. When a society measures a person's worth based on factors beyond their control, there is something radically wrong with that society. It screams of Nazism.

BUT, BUT, BUT

"The child with such disabilities will likely not live very long anyway." Oh, you value a long life, do you? And exactly how will aborting the child help with that?

"The child's quality of life will be limited." How do you know what the child thinks about his/her life? How did you decide that the lack of some opportunities disqualifies a person from ALL opportunities?

"The child will live in a vegetable state. I would rather die than live that way." You would rather. How do you know the child would rather? Even people in comas can sense things around them. They can hear music, and kind words and funny stories, They can feel loved. They can perceive positive emotions and messages. There are special teachers and schools for educating even bedridden, seemingly comatose individuals. They can learn. They can enjoy their world. I would not rob them of that.

"Disabilities are a huge medical cost." Yes, but there is help. Private organizations and publicly funded disability aid are both available to help cover expenses. And aborting a person in order to save money is the same as killing a person and taking their money.

"But it's expensive for the taxpayers." Stop being a Nazi. Cut taxes and people could afford to give more to charities. Either way, the child does not deserve to die.

"It's too hard to parent a disabled child." And lots of people do it and like it. Read more here. Parenting is not about what you want. It is and has always been a calling of self sacrifice and generosity to others. A truly unselfish person does not create a new life without assuming responsibility for its well being. Such a person will accept the child that they made no matter what kind of challenges come with it.

4. Yes, We Are Talking About A HUMAN BEING

 "It's just a clump of cells. It would never survive on its own." When did you begin judging humanity based on size and shape? That's shallow and abusive.  If you think it's okay to kill a living thing, because it can't survive outside of certain conditions, you've just summed up all of life on Earth.

If it's made of living cells, it's alive. A clump of cells with a heartbeat. Just like you were once. If it's human DNA, it's human. It's a person, not a clump of cells or a tumor. Truly, it would never survive on its own. (Especially if you kill it and deliberately remove it from the womb.) That's all the more reason why we should protect and help it survive. That's why we have parents. And hospitals. We should do all within our power to help save lives. Even small ones.

5. Save the Earth. Stop Having Sex

 Abstinence. It's the only surefire way to prevent pregnancy. You've got to do your part in protecting the earth. Oh, you don't want to do that? How selfish you are. You care about the earth only until it becomes inconvenient for you. Don't tell me you feel like your needs are more important than the earth. No human life could ever, ever, ever be more important than this fantastic rock we live on. (Or don't live on--depending on if we've been aborted or not.)

Have you considered the environmental implications involved in the chemicals used in birth control? The manufacture of the drugs? And the condoms? And the packaging? (It's not sustainable.) And the excesses of having an unnecessary medical procedure! Shame on you.

All sarcasm aside, higher populations do not hurt the earth. It's what the people do while on the earth that makes the difference. Stop the pesticides and herbicides and all the toxic and unnecessary chemicals used in so many factories. Have some kids and teach them sustainable practices so they can help the future generations on the earth when you are no longer around. That would help the earth.

"But there are already so many children in orphanages. It would be irresponsible to make any of my own." Actually, it's only irresponsible if you kill or don't take care of them. Feel free to adopt as well.

6. Being Aborted Is NEVER BEST FOR THE CHILD

 It is not your job to keep people from experiencing a world that you think is not great. It is your job to make it great. Maybe they would grow up and agree that the world is not perfect. But they might love it. Smelling a flower, playing in the snow, giving a hug, hearing a story or watching the stars are all free and bring delight to children and adults alike. A little gratitude and optimism go a long way.

The joy of holding your own child, (and the joy of making one,) the pleasure of sweet music, gorgeous sunsets, funny comedians, amazing feats of courage and skill, and the light that comes into the eyes of a person when they realize that they are loved, are all denied the aborted human being. All the pleasures and happiness you have, all the things you enjoy, you would take them away?

(By the way, if you hate the world and wish you had been aborted, please seek professional counseling. Your life is valuable.)

The pro-abortion arguments that make no sense at all: 

"BUT the child might lack opportunities." Dead children have NO opportunities.

"The world is dangerous and full of evil." Yes, People kill their own children. 

"Life is full of disappointments." You don't kill people because you are disappointed. 

Abortion is wrong and there's no excuse for it. And thank you for not being my parent.