Jane Austen's Anger Management

In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth teaches us not to talk about people behind their backs, when she learns that she’s been mistaken about Darcy all along. Emma teaches us not to lash out at people for being silly, as she faces remorse for her treatment of Ms. Bates. Catherine Moreland of Northanger Abbey reminds us not to jump to conclusions, and in Persuasion, Anne Elliot regrets her hastily broken engagement, teaching us to be patient and give relationships a chance.

Jane Austen’s characters can teach us a lot about what not to do, and give us some practical, problem-solving advice. For both empathy and healthy boundaries, I give you...

Examples in Etiquette from the Books 

When you’re having a hard time or somebody ticks you off, it’s easy to feel justified in rudeness. Especially if you happen to be right this time. But don’t do it. Keep a cool head, remembering that “Angry people are not always wise,” as taught by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice.

We hope that all the meanies will confront their traumatic childhoods and seek professional counseling, but until they take that step, here are five important tips for dealing with the people who behave badly.

1      Keep Your Sense of Humor

 When Mr. Darcy insulted Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice) upon their first meeting, she had such fun laughing about it with her friends. Did she like it? No. Was he out of line? Of course. But mean people say the most unimaginably ridiculous things that you can't help but laugh at times. Indeed, in my years of customer service, the most insanely unreasonable people made the greatest stories. Without ever breaching confidentiality, we still have some good laughs over the crazies. Just remember, if you are mean, you expose yourself to ridicule.

2     Don’t Deal with Them at All

 Never seek the opportunity to be abused. Avoid jerks when you can and be brief when you must. Polite excuses are hard to find fault with. Remember that while Elizabeth disliked Darcy, she treated him with civility. It’s the “I think you’re psycho but I’m going to just smile and say ‘hello’ for a minute before I make a modest exit” approach.

If you’re mean to somebody, don’t be surprised if they give polite reasons not to hang out with you.

 Kill Them with Kindness

Mrs. Elton, in the book Emma, was always bragging, butting in, giving unsolicited advice and bossing people around. She took over other people’s parties and conversations, demanded to be the center of attention and made others bow to her schedule. Worse still, she became insulted when anyone opposed her. 

Her attitude bothered Emma so much that Emma decided to give a party for her. What’s the benefit? Emma kept herself unspotted from scandal by not openly decrying Mrs. Elton’s idiocy. Emma was so nice, that she elevated herself. Nobody could accuse her of being like Mrs. Elton. 

4    Confront the Problem

Both big and small problems should be confronted and discussed at the time they occur. Waiting on the little things makes your argument less potent and you just build up resentment that nobody knows about and sounds stupid when it’s finally brought to light. Speak up!

Waiting on the big issues might make you a villain. Abuse needs to be stopped. Austen fans will remember that Mr. Darcy confronted Wickham as soon as he learned of the creeper’s plans to seduce Darcy’s teenage sister,  and didn't wait around. When I found someone verbally abusing my kid, I stepped in to protect my son. Standing up for the innocent is of the greatest importance. Stand up for yourself too.

5     Try to Win Them Over

I would try this one for about one second if the person is very rude and maybe a month if they’re just misunderstood. I would try for a time, and then leave. Not having any other option, Fanny Price, the heroine of Mansfield Park, tried it for years and was eventually rewarded with the faith of her guardians and the love of Edmund. Since leaving was out of the question, she made the best of the situation, Cinderella style.

Most people can be won over, I think. It helps to pray for them. As Mr. Knightley told Emma, “The truest friend does not doubt, but hope.” All the people I’ve succeeded at befriending were brought to reason in a matter of days. The ones who “got away” may not be worth the effort.

I hope they are.

I hope for friendship everywhere I look. But that’s up to them. 

And now, some of my most humble opinions on Having Your Say...

Try to stay calm, and make sure it’s important. For instance, I once asked someone if she'd found a craft idea on Pinterest and she got annoyed and said so. I'm in agreement that Pinterest is super offensive and controversial. All those craft ideas, especially. What could I have been thinking? 

Anger makes everything seem important, but later on, it might just be petty.

How do you tell if your argument is valid? How will you know if the logic is winning or the anger?

Are your words insulting? Do you make personal remarks? Do you want to be right or to do the right thing? Are you intending to help? How would you feel if someone used the same arguments against you? What would Jesus do?

If your complaints are true and real, does that justify any kind of action? If so, how much and what kind?

For scope and my own amusement, here is a list of scenarios and appropriate responses.

• Your kid is annoying you.                            Give more hugs and attention, or take a break.
• Somebody  else's kid is annoying you.        Walk away or kindly ask the child to walk away.
• You're sick, tired or depressed.                    Avoid situations and people you can't handle.
• You have no patience left.                            Ask for help.
• You want to be in charge of everybody.      Not here, Hitler. Chill out. Get therapy.
• Someone was really mean to you.               Use your words, don't try to hurt them back.
• Somebody thinks you're acting weird.         You probably are. Relax and enjoy it. 
• The annoyances just won't stop!                   Take a time out. Ask for help.

When is it OK to use mean words? Never. 
When is it OK to hit someone? When they try to kill you. 
When is it OK to (yell) raise your voice?  Emergencies and sporting events. 

Afraid of confrontation? It is OK to write a letter. Just think it through over several days.  Just as Mr. Darcy later regretted his rude salutation, our letters, emails and posts may come back to haunt us. Documents last longer than spoken word, and can be reproduced by others long after you've forgotten your reason for writing. 

In almost every situation... 

This axiom from Disneys Bambi is true. "If you cant say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

For everything else...

Jesus, the Master of empathy and forgiveness, taught, “So in everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for this sums up the law and the prophets.”

And that sums up this blog.

Until next time, please remember not to elope without an income. 

XOXOXOXO

Abby

Dear Non-Sustainers, I Don't Care

Apparently some people attended the LDS General Conference just to NOT sustain the church leaders. Do You Know what I think about that? 

NOTHING.

Here's why.

The Prophet is still called of God.

I believe that Jesus Christ calls prophets today because He loves us. I believe that Thomas S. Monson is one of them, a duly authorized servant of God. If all the members worldwide simultaneously left the church and no one remained except the Prophet, that would not change his calling, office or authority. If we had created the office of the President of the Church, then we could remove him. Since God is the one who made the office and the person filling it, all authority and power can and do operate completely independent of the members' belief in it.

Freedom of Speech.

We the People are guaranteed freedom of expression by the same Constitutional Amendment that allows us freedom of press, worship and peaceful assembly (AKA, the Conference and the Ensign) and the right to petition the government for redress of grievances. People can make any statement they want. The dissenters in question weren't even disrespectful. All who opposed the appointment of the Church leaders were invited to manifest it. That's what they did. As far as I'm concerned, they can do it again and bring their friends. (More people on holy ground hearing a prophet's voice? For sure!) Other people's choice in religious beliefs is nothing to get mad about. They can worship. They can sustain. They can protest. Lest we forget, freedom is a good thing. (See Article of Faith 11)

There have been protesters at Temple Square during General Conference for years. This time, they came inside. Good. Maybe they'll have felt the Spirit. If they meant it as a mockery, they will want somebody to pay attention. I don't propose to do that.

I remember leaving the Conference Center on one occasion and hearing the some rude, mocking and slanderous words shouted by protesting individuals. They were arousing some contention among some members but the vast majority of us pressed forward, iron rod style. At that moment, the words of Nephi entered my mind, and have stayed with me ever since.

 "We heeded them not."

 The great and spacious building was not our goal. Not worth any expenditure of effort. (See 1Nephi 8:33)

So, yeah. I really am not upset that people came to Conference who oppose the church leaders. If they violated their covenants, they have hurt themselves and their families and that is sad. However, I feel only pity for them. I am not angry, offended, put out or frustrated. I don't even know who the people are or why they did it. I did not read the articles about them. I simply do not care.

Can they hurt the Church?

Ah, you make me laugh. All they did was not sustain. Big whoop de do. Maybe if they formed a mob and locked up/tarred and feathered the Prophet--oh wait. That's been done and the Church is still here. Maybe if the mob attacked and killed the LDS Church leaders-- or if it were legal to kill Mormons-- or if they were all arrested, beaten, robbed and driven out of the country then that would hurt the Church.

Or not.

Joseph Smith wrote,

"No unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear; till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done." (From The Wentworth Letter)

None of these calamities will destroy the Church if it is true, and none of them are necessary if it is not. We, as members, are not that perfect. Or even close. We give offense. We get angry. Sometimes we don't forgive. Sometimes we don't repent. Sometimes we are blinded by pride or our own desires. If a testimony came from our neighbors instead of God, the church would die in a few short years.

Or, as one man put it, "If the Church weren't true, the missionaries would have ruined it years ago." Not that there aren't great members and missionaries. It's just that some are, shall we say, not quite mature. This friend of mine was one who painted an American flag on the top of his car and paraded around England on July 4, so he's an expert in the above category.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints survives only because it is true. Only God could produce a worldwide church out of the disaster that once faced it. Persecutions did and do rage. Mobs have combined. Armies have assembled and calumny continues to defame. But the truth of God goes forth boldly, nobly and independent. It has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, continues to sweep every country and is in the process of sounding in every ear. The Church is stronger today than it has ever been. It will continue until the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done.

I am a Mormon because it brings me peace. I only "follow the Prophet" when I receive a confirming witness from the Holy Ghost that the words are true and that is what I should do. Funny how I receive it every time. The work of the Lord is fulfilling, wondrous and inspiring. I want to do it. I won't waste time by focusing my energy on the great and spacious building. I will not ask it why it doesn't like me. I want to follow Christ.

The Church is true. The Gospel is real. Jesus Christ lives today and is at the Head of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Father in Heaven is real, alive and very involved in all of our lives. He answers prayers because He loves us and will answer any question we ask with real intent. I know that. And so can you. If you want.