How to Make Miscarriage Suck LESS

I have had five  miscarriages. I've been pregnant seven times so that means I have a 71.4% failure rate. It sucks--It really does. And the more you have, the worse it sucks. (See my post.) There are times, especially in the first few weeks after a miscarriage, where nothing will help, at all, even a little bit, and you just have to endure, and pray, and get through one day at a time. However, while there may not be anything to make it better, there are a whole lot of things to make it worse and you can AVOID these. If it's too late to avoid the first two, you can still try the rest. Here's what you do.

1. Don't Tell Anyone You're Pregnant.

OK, you should tell your spouse and your doctor. Otherwise, Nobody. Not your mom, not your boss unless you absolutely have to. If you don't tell anyone you're pregnant you'll never have to tell them you miscarried. This way, you don't have to talk about your loss to anybody you don't want--and you can avoid hearing dumb questions over and over. Once you feel strong enough, you can tell select people that you've miscarried, and they can give you support.

2. Have Health Insurance

It really helps if you don't have to worry about medical expenses and it may even cover therapy, which I recommend.

3. Take A Break

You need a week or two off for grieving, to say nothing of physical healing. Work can wait. Get a letter from your doctor to make it official, then stay home and sleep in. You'll be crying, dizzy, unable to think straight, having no motivation and little physical strength, with occasional seething rage. (And the possibility of a bleeding mess.) Trust me. A sane boss doesn't want you there. Take your rest and do some things that you want. Continue for as long as it's helpful. See # 7.

4. Avoid the Person, Place or Activity That Is Most Painful

Pick one or two things that bother you most and feel free to skip them. Refuse to feel bad about it. My personal choice is baby showers. I avoid baby showers like bubonic plague and conjunctivitis. I also minimize my contact with chatty pregnant women. (You can probably think of a few. They don't mean any harm but they can't stop discussing pregnancy and it's seriously annoying.) There is no reason to exacerbate your difficult situation by forcing burdens on yourself. Once you feel ready, you can pick up where you left off.

5. Get Enough Sleep

Really. In the first few days, it may be the only relief you get emotionally. Don't stay up late. Sleep deprivation causes every kind of mischief. Plus, the physical and emotional stress you're experiencing places increased demands on your body. You'll need extra rest, perhaps for a long while. Give yourself a break and go to bed as soon as you want. Take naps. Sleep in sometimes, perhaps often. If anxiety or depression keeps you awake, sleep with lights on, have a good cry, do yoga before bed, turn on soft music or read a low-stress, spiritually uplifting book. Ask your doctor about sleep aids, natural and otherwise.

6. Keep Taking Those Vitamins

It may be hard for you to do anything for you, and it may seem pointless when there is no longer a baby to benefit from your self-care. Do it anyway. With or without a baby, your body now has to heal and transform itself to a non-pregnant state. It's almost as much work as growing a baby. You don't want to become deficient in vitamins and minerals--that makes everything worse. Keep taking them regularly. If you can't make yourself do it, ask a friend to remind you and make you accountable.

7. Make Yourself Get Out And Do Stuff

When you wake up in the morning and your body says "Get up" and you mind says, "What for?" that's normal. You do need to get up though. After your initial rest, staying in too much will not only lose it's usefulness but actually cause more depression and anxiety. It's time to get back in the world. You may hate everything you used to love and think nothing sounds fun, but chances are, it will end up being more fun than you thought. And it will help you, little by little, to get out of the rut. For me, having a (flexible, non-demanding) job was the best thing. It forced me to get dressed, to comb my hair and to focus on something other than my misery for a few hours.

8. Exercise!

Relieve stress and occupy your thoughts with something you CAN control. Exercise does it all. I have had great results from hiking every week. Think about it. You've climbed a mountain! You've accomplished something difficult. You're getting fresh air, sunshine, exercise and a change of scene all in one. You'll have positive memories to look back on. And, if you're feeling fat or slobbish, a workout helps with that too.

9. Try Not to Think Too Much

Make time for physical activities. Thoughts and feelings are important, but don't make negative thoughts the center of your life. Get things done. Work with your hands. Try something new. Don't get caught in the guilt-building nightmare of "I should have," "I wish" or "If only." Instead try, "This is the situation. This is how I feel about it." Allow your feelings. Process them when it helps and distract yourself when it doesn't.

10. Don't Go Back

You'll need time to grieve and cry. Give yourself this time. It's a process that may take years. However, once you've got past the most painful time, (probably several months,) don't keep going back. Dwelling on the pain long-term will not help you. Instead, try to focus on the positive as much as you can.

Things will get better. There is always hope.

There is one more thing that really helped me. I tried to think of what purpose God might have for me and why I kept having miscarriages.

I found one; so personal, so wonderful. And I received a special witness that my children are real, mine, and they love me. My Leif, Jenna, Alice, William and David. I do have seven children after all. And despite all naysayers and advice to the contrary, I do not believe that I'm done. God has a purpose and I will not fight it anymore. His way is always the best way.

I believe He really will wipe away all our tears. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"-Psalm 30:5

Six Questions People With Big Families Wish You Would Stop Asking

I have a big family. My sister has a big family. (Everybody in my family has a big family.) Guess what. We like it. Stop assuming that we don't and stop assuming that our parents were crazy. They were, but you can't just assume that everybody who wants kids is crazy. Chances are, they were perfectly sane until they became parents. And some people actually like their kids. Really. So quit all the shocked stares and sorrowful shaking of the head. And never, ever ask these cliche questions again.

1. So, You're Done, Right?

Are you done asking me about my romantic life and use of contraception? What are you, my doctor? Make like my mom's third baby and butt out.

2. Are You Crazy?

Probably. But maybe it's you. My siblings are hilarious. My children are hilarious. I happen to love to laugh so it's natural to want to fill up a room with highly entertaining people. If you don't want to, you might be crazy.

3. You Have Eleven Siblings? Did Your Parents Ever Do Anything Else?

After I get done cringing at your vulgarity, you should understand that under the right conditions, trying for babies once a year for twelve years can produce twelve children. I'm not saying that's what they did because, oh my! It's none of my business! And none of yours.

4. You Have Two Babies And You're Pregnant Again? Don't You Know What Causes That?

Um, no. Won't you please explain it to me? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I was there but it's just a bit fuzzy, ya know?  Hmmm. Interesting. Well, now that I know, I'll definitely make different choices, and all because you took a moment to ask impertinent questions. Thank you so much.

5. Was It Planned?

As a matter of fact, I want kids. Having kids close together so they can have a playmate? Totally on purpose. You know what wasn't planned? Having this conversation with you. I tried really hard to prevent it but, you know. Accidents will happen. If only there was a pill or something.

6. Don't You Care About Overpopulating the World?

No. Your reluctance to reproduce is more than adequate.

In all seriousness, the births in most developed countries are below the replacement rate. More people are growing old and dying than are being born, which is a real problem economically and strategically. Somebody has got to have children and teach them to be responsible, ethical citizens. You're welcome.

BONUS QUESTION

7. Don't You Need A Better Financial Situation Before Trying for Kids?

Don't you need to get the facts before you speak? By the way, I'm not going to tell you the facts. (They're none of your business.) So don't speak.

Questions You Should Ask

Can I get you some water?

Yes, thank you.

Would you like to sit down?

Sure thing.

When can we do a play date?

Friday at 2 pm.

Wanna hang out and watch a movie?

Yes! What movie?

Is there anything I can help you with?

I think I'm okay right now. Thanks for asking.

Are you excited?

I can't wait to hold him.

Are you just amazing?

Awww. Mostly, I think kids are amazing.

Are your parents strong and courageous?

They must be. They put up with me.

Are you ready for this?

Bring it on.

Are you having kids just to pass on your stunning good looks?

How did you know?

If you have five kids, you have a basketball team. Have a few more and you've got a full dugout. Whether you're into sports or want your own personal choir and stand-up comedy club, a big family will never leave you bored. (And they may never leave at all.)

In my family, two's company and three's a party. We smile, we laugh and joke. We say, "Do you remember?"  And we do remember. And we fall off our chairs sometimes. When I get together with my million best friends who I've known my whole life, I feel a closeness, a security that can't be replicated anywhere else. We have our fights, our disagreements and our times of sorrow, but this feeling of safety, of belonging is what keeps me coming back.

Sometimes people ask me if I would go back and change anything about my childhood. The answer is yes. I would change a lot of things. But not my siblings. I'm keeping them forever.

Treating People Like Babies--Yes We Should!

Everyone has some cause to be jealous of small children. They're cute when they're angry, beautiful when they're fat, their clumsiness is adorable, and when they're grumpy they get a nap. Where do I sign up?

There are other perks babies get that I think we should extend to everyone. (Not the diapering and feeding, necessarily.)

1. Sad Babies Get Hugs

When we're sad, we don't want to be told that there's no reason to feel the way we do. We don't want to be brushed off. Instead, adopt a childcare strategy and HOLD/HUG and don't let go until we feel better. Pity may not be a party but we'll cry if we want to.

2. Babies Are Praised for Every Achievement

"Oh, look! Baby wiggled her toes! So sweet." Call me crazy, but I don't much care if an adult wiggles his/her toes.

Unless they couldn't before. It's the adversity, the challenge that makes achievement noteworthy and I think everyone deserves some praise. I'm sure everyone wants it.We all need to celebrate our little victories and we don't mind if a friend celebrates with us. Let's hear some more, "Evelyn made bread and it turned out really well" and "Jack really wanted to sock Fred in the nose and he didn't do it. Way to go, Bro!"

3. Babies Are Endlessly Forgiven

Probably nobody would speak to me if I routinely (or even once) woke them up at night or threw food on the wall. Or dumped all the silverware on the floor, or finger painted with poo. (FYI, I have not desire to do this. Some of you may be unsubscribing right now just because I mentioned it.)

Forgiveness doesn't mean putting yourself in harm's way or admitting that someone else is right when they're not. Rather, it means not dwelling on the negative, and trying to look for the good in others.

Fact is, babies regularly do really rude things that they don't know will bother you. When they're hungry or don't feel well, they don't care what bothers you. (Even if they've learned that you have feelings.) And they get forgiveness without even asking, because you love them and give them the benefit of the doubt. You kinda have to since unfriending them isn't an option.

What about grownups? Can we give them the benefit of the doubt? "Did she KNOW saying that would hurt your feelings?" "Did he MEAN to tick you off when he walked in without removing his shoes?" Or you might say, "Yeah, she was witchy, but she's got post-partum depression so I'll give her a break. I need forgiveness too." Friends, it should be this way. Unfriending everyone isn't an option.

4. Toddlers Say the WORST Things and People Think It's Funny

My baby on the phone.

 I work in a daycare and find my charges very entertaining. They say the funniest things! Even when their statements are AWFUL, I rather enjoy it because I view them with a certain tolerance. They aren't meaning to be hurtful, they just have no filter.

Sometimes, adults have no filter. Whether it's a slip of the tongue or lack of sleep, it happens to the best of us. Can we laugh it off, or do we make them "an offender for a word?"

Let's enjoy it. They are probably not dumb, rude, socially backward, dirty minded or evil. They only lost their filter for a moment and when it comes back, you get to laugh really hard with them, as their face turns red as a beet. And then you get to forget all about it.

5. Babies Are Accepted--Just the Way They Are

Nobody says, "My baby is such a nerd" or "Wow, I hope he's not going to wear his hair like that." They're beautiful and perfect just for being themselves. And so is everybody. Different strengths and weaknesses are what make our world amazing. Or, as my adorable seven-year-old says, "If everyone were the same, I wouldn't know who was Joe."

Denny in a bee costume and his uncle's hat.

6. Babies Get Babied

When we're sick or having a hard day, who takes care of us? Mostly, no one. And that's okay. But sometimes, we need a little more TLC.  I'm a mom and I take care of everyone, but nobody takes care of the mom. It can get rough. That's why we should kick our relationships up a notch and care for our friends sometimes.

I'll never forget the time I was in college and working, having a rough time. I was living away from home and trying to be grown up. One Sunday before finals, I was exhausted and had just about had it. I felt like I couldn't go home and face all my responsibilities that day. I asked my friend if I could go home with her and she eagerly agreed. Her brother drove us from the church and into a kind of paradise.

Their home was a peace-filled, love-infused domicile of Christmas Spirit. The mom smiled sweetly, spoke gently and fed me dinner. I helped them decorate their trees and afterward I snuggled up on the couch under a hand-crocheted afghan while the dad told us all a bedtime story. We were all adults but we loved it. And I--- I got to be part of a real family for a little while. I was important. I was included. I was going to be okay.

Riding the North Pole Express

When The brother drove me to my home that evening, I felt lighter and stronger, and I faced my trials with courage.

Even today, almost nine years later, this kind family are dear to me. They have become my family.

Sometimes, my mother-in-law voices her regret that maybe she was too pushy with regard to her eldest son's marriage, that maybe she hurried us into it. As a matter of fact, she did, but not in the way she supposes.

I might never have fallen in love with her son if...

If they hadn't all been so wonderful. My only regret is that I couldn't love them all sooner.

(I just asked hubby if he had any regrets and he said no. "I love you and I love our boys. You're still so good for me." I guess he doesn't feel pushed or hurried.)

Bestowing this kind of tenderness on people can have drastic consequences:

They just might love you forever.

Mommy, We Are Worms

One day, my boys climbed into my bed for a cuddle, and then started telling me about worms.

"They eat dirt, Mommy," said my youngest, "and they poop it too."

"Yeah, and they're good for gardens," his brother added.

And then we were all pretending to be worms, burrowing under the comforter and squirming away whenever we thought ants were nearby. We hid from the sun and climbed out when it rained.

"Mommy, you are a mommy worm and I'm a baby worm."
"No," I said, "I'm an ant."
"And I was your baby."

Later on, they changed into ants and role-played predator and prey actions. We had a conversation that went like this.

Batman: Mommy, are you my friend?
Me: I'm an ant, so I might have to eat you.
Batman: I was a worm and I was your friend.
Me: I eat worms.
Batman: But I was your friend. Mommy, if you eat your friends, then you wouldn't have a friend anymore.

I'm amazed at his wisdom. I immediately became a worm again.

After a time, my husband came home. I said, "Honey, you'll never guess what game we're playing right now."

Little voices respond, "We are worms!"

Watching This Happen Made Me Laugh So Hard!

Funnies from December 2012, on the occasion that my sons began experimenting with photography.

The pictures tell the story.

Denny wrote all the letters he knows.

This is meant to be the door of our house.

Yay! He writes!

This is the Joker.

Batman in his "Batmovile".

Batman with his helmet on.

Batman with sleeves.

Wonder Woman with her invisible airplane. She has girl hair.

Superman! At this point Denny got so excited that he danced a jig  and started flying around the room and jigging alternately. The hilarious part was that every time he took a picture, (he took all of these) he had to show it to his drawing so he could make sure it  was the same. He showed his picture of his drawing of the door to the door. The actual door.

Robin with Kryptonite in his pocket. Batman will kryptonite Superman.

MY Batman took this one of the "misuto". Later he tried to photograph the couch and was heard to say, "Couch, say 'Cheese'. Come on Couch! Say 'cheese' to me."

"My lizards are hanging on the train".

Pictures of Kids Eating Weird Stuff

I don't want to brag. Wait--yes I do! I happen to think that my kids are the cutest in the entire universe. And so funny! They always did eat weird stuff and they still do. Only now, they call it McDonald's.

Chalk! I love chalk!

Sand is so yummy

Tasty mallet from carpet croquet

First birthday cake

Lolipop spaghetti 

Bike pump, confiscated in short order.

Not my kid. That is also a croquet mallet he's biting. They must be better than I thought.

Youngest Child Problems

I am a youngest  child. I have youngest child attitude (or so I hear, from people who are not youngest children.) I'm told that means I wait for people to do things for me.

Okay, cool. So, somebody else write this blog explaining the tribulations of the unjust familial hierarchy that places the most minor minors at the bottom of the totem pole and the end of every list.

No takers?

Fine! I'll do it myself!

If you're a youngest child, here's what you have to deal with.

Older Siblings Are Jealous. Of You

Really. Even though they get to do EVERYTHING. The older brothers and sisters are always saying, "Mom would never have let me do that. Oh, you have it easy."

I say,

How could I possibly have it easy when you worked so hard to make sure I didn't? And since when do you care about what Mom let you do?

There is only ONE valid reason for them to envy your situation and that is this: Since you're the baby of the family, you might be cute for a while. Great. People give you candy, siblings give you dirty looks.

And then steal your candy.

You Get Your Pick of Hand-Me-Downs

 Good thing you wanted them so much when they were new.

You know how sometimes in family pictures, you can't quite tell if that's you or your sister? Well,wearing the same clothes doesn't help. And guess what else--You never get new toys. I mean, NEVVVVVVVEEERRR.

You Can't Be Trusted to Think on Your Own

You get bossed around. A lot. And by everyone!  You don't get your own way. When you finally ask your now-grown siblings to stop telling you, an adult, what to do, they go with responses like, "You're so immature" or "You're too sensitive." Sheesh.

And that brings us to...


Nobody Ever Listens to You. You Don't Know Anything

Everyone is bigger, stronger and smarter than you. And they always will be. You will never be right. They will never be wrong. It's no use to argue because they'll never admit that you've won. Get used to it or get new friends. Or both.

For the record, I love my siblings.

Your Parents Never Let You Do Stuff

Because no matter how old you are, you're still the baby and that means you're too young. I've never been skiing or to Disneyland for this very reason. Due to the fact that everything is forbidden, you have to try things out secretly, AKA, without help. When they go sour, you get in even worse trouble because you can't blame the big sister. Like the time I wanted to make candles and...

And once you do finally get to try something, it's just old hat. Even if you rock it, it's no more than was expected of you. You do everything last and this brings us to school. You go to school and you're known as so-and-so's sister/brother. For.Eh.Ver. Fantastic. And speaking of school, You might like your older sibling's friends but your siblings don't like your friends because they're little and dumb. Like you.

You Get Tricked and Pranked but Have No One to Trick and Prank

Your siblings tell you all kinds of lies and you believe them. (Bert and Ernie are actually named Banana Head and Hamburger head.) It started with the oldest and he just passed it on. Who is the youngest child supposed to pass it on to? Well, I guess you could pass it back.

I once put a rock in my brother's bed. He didn't actually deserve it since he never tricked me. However, he probably tricked the people who tricked me and taught them how. I think justice was served.

You're Little, You're Small

You get picked on sometimes. Or most times. My siblings made me do their chores. They came in my room and I couldn't make them leave. They played with my toys without my permission. (Needing my permission was not a thing.) And they even hit, kicked, punched, scratched, pinched, wet-willied, hair-pulled, walloped, thunked, bit, socked, whacked, smacked, thwacked, cracked, head-locked, noogied, wedgied, swirlied, tied up, wrapped up, squeezed, teased, ratted-out and threatened me.

(Relax! Most of these were anomalies. Okay, we were kinda messed up.)

I fought back but repercussions inevitably followed. Really, the only thing I could do about it was scream really loud and act like it hurt more than it actually did, so they'd get in worse trouble.

By the way, I'm just kidding.

They didn't give me swirlies.

Want to know what's great about being a youngest child?

You get to see all the stupid ways your older siblings got into trouble and then avoid repeating their mistakes. Like, never yell at your mom. She won't take it well.

Also, my siblings were pretty great overall and did help me out with my chores and homework. Probably a lot more than they wanted to. My mom had the job of supporting our family by herself and couldn't always be around. All we children (all of us kids) had adult-sized responsibilities forced on us early in life. My brothers and sisters did a pretty fantastic job stepping up to them. I'm sorry they had to.

I understand that some people did not go through this and can't relate to my point of view.

Lucky.

As a parent, I'm lucky enough that I can be around more than my mom was. I can be the parent and let them be the kids. I'm snoopy and listen at doors regularly. We don't do bullying and we don't do secrets.  I am, however, particularly vigilant that my youngest son does not get his candy purloined.

I would tell more but I'm all tired out from having to do things myself all day long. I'm going to bed now, but tomorrow, I'll see if I can't persuade one of my siblings to tie my shoes for me.

You never know.

How to Give Advice So People Will Listen

 The short answer is, give less of it.

Everyone has (or ought to have) an advice filter that allows only advice they want or are interested in. If you hurl advice constantly, most of it will bounce off. And too much will cause overload and system shut down, causing even helpful advice to fall by the wayside.

Conversely, withholding advice until you know it's wanted will not only allow you to generously help somebody now, but also open the way for future advice-giving opportunities. Because you were helpful this time, they'll seek you out later when they have a question.

Giving advice WITHOUT establishing a need can create problems in communication and even relationships. Unsought advice is usually based on assumptions. First, that a problem exists, and second, that the person involved needs YOUR help to solve it.

Avoid assumptions and ASK. Ask if it’s a problem, and if they want help. They might be totally fine and you can talk about fun things like lollipops and river rafting instead of tough challenges.

The best way to make your wisdom more sought after is to give less of it

One thing I’ve noticed about advice, is that the more experienced the person, the less likely they are to give it. Because they are experienced, they get it. They know that in some situations, advice won’t help. They know that experience is a great teacher and so in non-emergencies, they’ll forego the blah, blah. blahs and let you learn from your own experiences. 

Now pay attention because this is important. If you give me advice I don’t want, I might guess that you’re inexperienced, and therefore, not much worth listening to. In this way, giving advice decreases your credibility. 

On the other hand, if you listen and offer actual help, I will guess that you have experience and I may even ask you for your wisdom. Imagine that!


People give me advice all the time and, usually, I don't want it very much. It's like a bad Christmas gift. You don't want it. You don't want to be rude. You don't want to give it to anyone else.

Some of my favorite examples relate to parenting. It seems like everybody wants to fix you, or your kids or your parenting style when, most of the time, there is not a real, existing problem. (Even "naughty" kids usually grown up to be wonderful, caring adults.)

I have an answer for unwanted parental advisers.


I don’t want your advice. I’d rather hear about how rotten your kids are so that I know I’m not the only one incapable of hypnotizing my kids into perfect obedience. In other words, I’d rather be validated than fixed.

My advice on giving advice: Don’t

Now, please don’t get me wrong. We all have problems and solutions are wonderful. However, before you offer one, try the following:

Be sure your friend WANTS your solution.

“Yeah, I agree it’s a problem. I’m also a responsible, intelligent and literate adult with Internet access and a pediatrician. I think I can figure this one out. Thanks.”

Recognize that not every problem can be solved.

If someone has lost a loved one, no amount of advice is going to bring them back. There will be grief and sadness and advice will not take it away. 

Self-Evaluation

Are you wanting to provide needed assistance or to sound important? Can you offer it tactfully? Advice can often come across as judgmental or patronizing. It may insult the person’s abilities and once you do that, they’ll never want to listen to you.    No one wants to feel attacked.

Be certain there's a problem and that it's serious.

Hey! Most of life’s little difficulties are more funny than anything else. Especially if kids are involved. If I tell a story about some serious naughtiness involving a roll of toilet paper, a paintbrush and a jar of honey, just laugh. (Unless it’s on your carpet, in which case I’d be more understanding if you didn’t crack a smile.) And sticking panty liners all over the window is pretty minor. Now if he were trying to JUMP out the window, we’d be worried. 

Be certain it's not already solved.

Just because it was a problem doesn’t mean it’s still a problem. It’s annoying when a kid paints glitter glue on your walls and furniture but it’s not a huge deal. It comes off with nail polish remover.

And Finally…

How to tell if someone doesn’t want your advice and they’re just being polite because you started talking and they don’t want to be the one to tell you to shut your pie hole already and thereby create an awkward silence

If they…

Squirm and change the subject

Listen with patience instead of interest

Fold arms across chest

Get comfortable

Appear to be amused by you

Respond with, “Uh-huh”

Argue

Say “I already…”

Don’t ask clarifying questions like “And how did you…?”

Say, “Please stop talking.”
Start writing their Last Will and Testament

Sigh

Look really bored

Start playing on their phone

Leave the room

Fall asleep

Say, “Oh, look at the time!”

Suddenly start dancing

Break out in song

Throw up

Hide in the bathroom

Repeatedly say, “You’re so right.”

Now you know. All this time, I have been secretly making your sentences more grammatical instead of internalizing your gems of wisdom. And you’ve been doing the same for me. Cheers.